Limbo

Every time I go to the bathroom, I steel my nerves, ready to see the tell-tale red... but it's not there. I keep feeling that familiar monthly "whoosh" the cues me to "Aunt Flo" and her monthly visit... but, no.
I have an appointment for Monday- it'll be all the usual intake stuff, plus, the blood test for the HCG level.
I can't go... anywhere... emotionally, until Monday. And, Monday's not even much of anything like a sure bet, since the first pregnancy was apparently (or probably) fine at this point. But, it's a marker of hope, or desperation.
Who to tell? I wanted in all my pessimism to keep things to us, a secrety secret, just for us to hold. Not because it's romantic and special, but because the less people we tell, the less times I have to admit to this possibility myself- and the more people we tell, that means the more people we might have to un-tell. And the un-telling was one of the worst parts.
But since this has happened, this potential-ness, opportunities to tell have been cropping up like our lives are an episode of LOST. Suddenly there are all these social opportunities, where I can't drink- and dinners at restaurants where all my favorite blue-cheese-smothered dishes are no longer an option. And my PARENTS even come to visit! Oh for crying out loud. So, I have to either tell, against my will and wish, or lie.
Scott wants to tell it on the mountain! He, in his goodness and strong faith, wants to share the good news and let people pray for us. I tried for a bit to keep him quiet, which 1) is impossible and b) is unfair. Why let my doominess win out in this situation? It is, after all, his baby- his news too. So he is telling, or not telling, depending on his desires, and I am trying desperately to keep my cards close to my chest. Today I weirdly (I'm sure it seemed!) declined an invitation to meet up with two of my favorite people, because I knew I wouldn't be able to not tell them, and I want to not tell them. Until Monday.
Like I've mentioned before, neither of us are good at keeping secrets. But, I just want to make it till Monday.