Thursday, June 28, 2007

Three new posts

There is this limbo day- between when one hears the news that you're carrying a non-alive baby in ones womb, and the end of the process. Some women, I guess, choose to go ahead and pass the baby naturally- I have had that experience (although MUCH earlier in a pregnancy it was still very traumatic) and no-thank-you. The good thing about a d/c is that I know from experience that I will feel better, physically, almost instantly. That in and of itself helps with the grief side of things.
So, on the Limbo days, we distracted ourselves. Tuesday night we went to see Evan Almighty (weirdly we were handed tickets at the counter for "knocked up", but decided to go with our original choice. Couldn't a whole blog entry be written on that alone?)
Evan Almighty was good- we had heard it was going to be lousy so our expectations were helpfully low and that worked I guess, because we really enjoyed it. One great take-away was a conversation between God and Evan about prayer- I'll let you check it out on your own because I don't want to wreck it- good stuff.
The other was a conversation between Evan and his wife, where he is frustrated because what he thought was God's plan wasn't quite lining up to what was happening in the moment. Here he had put everything on the line to be obedient to God, and where was the promised end product? His wife told him that indeed he HAD been obedient- had done exactly what God had asked. Now he needed to go ahead and let God take over. Miscarriage is a guilty situation for me, because of my well-known and deep-seated ambivalence. But like Lauren Graham said (and my spir. director before her), I did do my job- what I was asked to do. Even if I fought God all the way through it.
S'good, and it was a good distraction for the night.
Last night we went into Boston (after a gourmet meal of hot dogs at Kelly's....mmmmm) to see Riverdance at the Schubert theater. We got to see my former assistant Pam and her family, which made me happy and sad, missing her so much, brand-newly. But the show was amazing and Scott loved it which doubled my enjoyment- it was a great way to spend the night before the surgery out doing something positive and fun together.
At home last night it was boiling hot and I was tired but couldn't sleep. Scott and I are good at taking care of each other, and loving each other (i don't mean in this case, in a dirty way...) and we hunkered down for the night to keep cool and wait for morning.

okay, so maybe you don't want to know...

Lotsa details below on the undoings of baby Morin (Matthew Christopher). I mean, I did leave stuff out, some, so maybe it's not as bad as it could be- but if you're interested at all, read on. It was cathartic for me to write, because re-reading my journal entries (a paper and pen book format! Old fashioned-like!) was a very comforting guide through this time around. I am very glad I made notes about how I felt then, physically and emotionally, and look at it from this distance now. I am the kinda person who researches- I want to know what other people know and say about the things I am considering and the decisions I'm making. I have read the miscarriage sites and the questions I had weren't really answered there- so reading my own log of it has been a very, very good thing for me. Maybe not for you. You know, skim, I guess. Anywhoo...

somewhere between an olive and a lime

We heard, and then saw, no heartbeat. The ultrasound reader estimated that the baby's heart had stopped two weeks ago. This was the 11-12 week appointment, the one where everything fell apart in our first go-round, two or three years ago. In fact, the whole day was eerily familiar, withe the same failure to hear a heartbeat with the fetal heart monitor, the quick referral for an ultrasound, to ease everyone's fears. I tried to stress to everyone we met that this was a very stressful appointment for us, and wished they would just get to the damn ultrasound to see if there was any point in all the other talking we were doing- "any surgeries? smoker? any genetic abnormalities in your families? Let's get your blood pressure..........." all of which only served to raise my blood pressure. Just cut to the chase!
The appointment to hear the heartbeat was at 10, and they scheduled our ultrasound for 12:30- we went to the cafeteria to have a bite and read the ever-growing pile of information booklets and flyers and warnings about what not to eat. At 12:45 they apologized for running late and asked us to come back at 2, which blessedly meant I could empty my bladder. (they make you chug water so as to inflate your bladder, so as to lift your uterus closer to the surface for easier viewing. But, my uterus is tipped back- wayyyyy back, almost completely backward from where it's supposed to be, so I didn't exactly see the reasoning for all the hyperhydration. ) Anyway, we went to grab a starbucks and then again went back.
The ultrasound tech, a lovely girl named Shannon, was so sweet and when there was no heartbeat to see in the regular ultrasound, she said an internal one would have to be done.
I stepped out to change and prayed in the bathroom. Okay, God, if this is going to happen, I am all in. You show me what you want from me and I will- I will throw myself all into it, one hundredy-twody percent. Help us handle whatever you send our way.
The baby was clearly there, much more detailed than the last one, the one with the heartbeat... but Scott and I know what a heartbeat looks like now, and we didn't see one. Shannon checked every which way and stayed calm-looking when I searched her face, but we knew. I looked at Scott and shook my head- no- it's not there. Shannon said "I'm so sorry" and Scott said "are you sure?" and she said "yes, I'm sorry". She left us to cry.
I was stunned- really, I just couldn't believe it for a while there. I said I was sorry so many times to Scott, not even exactly knowing if I was apologizing or just saying I-am-so-sorry. He told me that his prayers, while I was in the bathroom, were the same as mine. Help us handle what you give us.
After another meeting with the nurse/midwife, we were finally able to head home.
This morning was the D&C, and I feel physically better already, just like last time. I don't know if it's purely psychological but I feel ready to eat meat again, I have very little cramping, and I'm hungry as all get out. I'm groggy from the lovely anesthesia they gave me, but otherwise ready to roll. I have another week of vacation to shake it all off, thanks to my already wonderful new boss/pastor.
There are flowers on the coffee table, one for each nap I took today- a nice thing to wake up to. Maybe I'll take another nap and see if another bunch of flowers appears when I wake up this time!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

vaca views

Here are some shots of the vacation-doings up here on the hill, for your viewing enjoyment
and perhaps, jealousy...

my neighbor's peonies, in full bloom!

Pip is vacationing too- but who can tell?

this little guy paid us a visit today, chirping loudly and choosing a dangerous spot in the
middle of the road, before finding a nice safe spot in the yard. He disappeared before noon,
and I'm going to assume he learned to fly and headed home safely and without incident.

Tomorrow we're off on a little weekend camping trip to Maine. Then back for more relaxing! Happy weekend, everyone!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

ahhhhhh (except at 7)

So this is vacation! I could easily get used to this- I have been doing some housework, lots of lounging around, and lots of snacking- my new strategy is to eat something every two hours or so, because throwing up nothing is not fun.
My "morning" sickness has settled into a predictable, yet miserable and inconvenient, pattern. I race to the toaster in the morning to something to stuff in my gob, and that chases away morning nausea. Then I'm free and clear until just about 7:00, at which I can no longer think about food, although I am hungry. Scott has had to take over all dinner duty while I hide in the living room because I just can't have food in my head- I can eat pretty much anything but just don't talk to me about it- just serve it and I'll eat.
So at 7 I hit the bathroom, and then quickly feed myself again- then I'm mildly nauseous for the rest of the night. The later I stay up, the sicker I feel, so I have been trying to call it a night a bit early.
What's been the greatest part of this vacation is the detox from my former job. I got an SOS call from my former assistants today, about the latest asinine move by my former supervisor, (really, it's ridiculous, and more of the same baloney that I had to deal with there) and I had simultaneous feelings of guilt for leaving my friends there, and wondrous joy at being finally away from all that.
Leaving a parish feels like a divorce, to me- maybe I've said that here before- but knowing that I'm making a move that's best for me doesn't undo the guilt of leaving everyone else in a bad situation, and fear that the new Mother is going to make changes and do things I'd never do... it brings out the territorial-ism in me, I guess. But I remind myself that the work I did counted, and that even if I'm not there, the Holy Spirit is, for crying out loud...
Tomorrow I'm getting a haircut and all the silly ends will be gone, cut off in a nice clean clip. My now droopy curls will get new life for the removal of all that old growth, weighing it down. I can't wait to wash my hair and feel all that new gone-ness!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

just to get things straight.

I love getting your comments! But I should say straight out that I reject any comments that smack even remotely of criticism. After all, I blog for self-aggrandizement and vainglory, not to find out what people think about what I think. Unless it's full agreement or something on par with that.
So keep those comments coming. What the heck?

If one more person...

...tells me how GOOD! it is that I'm miserable with Morning Sickness, I will punch them in the head.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

two new posts

Today was my last day at my old job. It was a sad and sweet day- lots of well-wishers came by and we had a lovely casual lunch with all my favorites. Yesterday was the "official" good-bye luncheon, with most of the staff there. They had fancy food, cake, and tributes in the tradition of this parish. I got lovely group gifts, with a theme: a PEACE plant, and a framed print of St. Francis' PEACE prayer. What's the message here?
But today was the REAL party- the cats were away for the day and we got fun food and joked about the cats and about the fun we've had, and gossiped and laughed. I got a bunch of cool presents!! GREAT cards, warm hugs, and a couple tears. All the good people were there, and my send-off was just lovely.
I left feeling good, and sad, and hopeful and appreciated. I can't wait to start my something new, but first ... two lovely weeks of vacation. I've already taken one nap!

You can go home again, but it's weird.

So, my high school reunion. 20 years since I cried and cried and vowed never to forget one single person in my class. I did forget some of them, I must confess. But as we stood in the back of the room, watching the Class of 1987 Senior Slide Show, the names started to really come back to me.
I was nervous, and in the parking lot said to Scott "oooooolet's not go in." But he convinced me and I was glad to see straight away that I was not the fattest person in the room. I had new spanx and they made me look even pregnant-er, so Scott and I decided to tell everyone I was farther along than I am- "oh, around 4 months... or so..."
We found a few people and exchanged where-are-you-and-what-are-you-doings, then found my dear old friend Dave. Dave looks eerily like he did in high school- even his voice is the same- and his wonderful personality hasn't changed, either. We stuck together with him and his wife for the duration. Then a happy surprise- our friend Mike showed up! Dave and Mike were the best of friends, thick as thieves, true friends like you could count on being friends forever. They were a pair through high school and beyond, until a girl came between them- a girl neither ended up with- and it was heartbreaking and traumatic for me that they split, even from far away where I was. To see them together was so satisfying for me, even if it didn't mean that the rift was healed. So many memories of them both rushed back, and it felt good, having the three of us there, together, at least for that night.
I also saw my childhood friend Laura, one of my first friends- we found each other in the sand pits in first grade, I think- and played together for a series of recesses (We weren't in each other's class, so it was providence that brought us together). Then, we would meet again and again through the elementary school years until we finally were in the same class and could begin our best-friend-ness in earnest. It was such a warm feeling, seeing her again, and remembering her from so long ago- so many images in my mind, of us having sleepovers and broken hearts and first periods and mischief.
There was some weirdness to be sure- to see everyone had gotten so much older was really a shock. My brother told me, after his 10th year reunion, that what was satisfying about the experience was that everyone seemed to have "gotten what they deserved". I wonder what some old schoolmate of mine is blogging about me right now...

Friday, June 08, 2007

T-minus 1 day

After a long week, tomorrow is a big day- we head up to celebrate my sister's birthday with my family, then on to the dreaded 20th high school reunion. The good news is, the website that's been put up for the reunion has a list of who's coming, so I can cheat and check my yearbook ahead of time and try to put faces with names. Plus, now I have advanced knowledge that my high school boyfriend will be there with "guest".
Scott, who seriously is the best person ever, took me out to Target to find me something nice to wear, plus some accouterments and necessary stuff. Then he coughed loudly and blocked me from view as I threw up in the Target parking lot, holding my hair and assuring me that no one was looking.
THEN, he drove all over town getting me a chocolate shake AND the bacon pizza I suddenly had to have.
I asked him tonight how long he'll be this patient with my ridiculousness. He is the most patient man I know. I am the luckiest girl I know. (except for all the throwing up)

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I need a vacation... like nooooobody's business...

(does anyone remember that commercial? I can still hear the tune in my head.)
I am exhausted. This is my next-to-last week at my old job and that means the good-bye-ing has begun in earnest.
Tuesday night (a day that started with a gut-wrenching and vital session with my spir. director) was my last night at our youth group. We were celebrating senior week and the end of the year with a little party- we had pizza and a campfire- s'mores for everyone! (except me, because all thoughts of food just make me vomit.)
After the fire we went to the meeting room for our usual gathering, and I gave my last talk- a teary thing about, well, how much I value these kids and how much I will miss them. Then, they treated me to a dvd of a bunch of my kids, kind of like a wedding video- they sat and gave me messages of love and appreciation and how much they'll miss me. It was just absolutely wonderful. Afterward, those who didn't get to be in the video gave me love live. They presented me with a big pillow ( a tradition of mine that I brought to this parish, and which really "took"). The closing prayer was wonderful and we closed with hugs all around.
I felt satisfied- like I'd said what I could say, like I'd honored God in my going and in my good-bye-ing, and that my work there had been fruitful and will still bear fruit after I go.
I came home and threw up in my driveway and then for the rest of the evening...
I'm just wiped. This is the longest week ever.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

pregnancy sucks.

I am not one of those blissful, happy women who glow joyfully through their pregnancies. I am miserable. I am trying as hard as I can not to make everyone around me miserable, but it's not easy!
I'm sick. Often. When I'm not throwing up (prob. 2 sessions a day) I am just nauseous. I'm exhausted. I miss food. I can't eat anything normal, like meat of any kind. The other night at a party I eschewed the burgers, couldn't eat the hot dogs, and had to avoid the salad because it has gorgonzola in it- that's a no-no. I ate chips and dip, watermelon, and pasta salad. Maybe God wants me to appreciate the plight of vegetarians?
My two-week vacation lies ahead of me like golden gates- I can't waaaaaiiiit. It will be so nice to relax and not worry about finding clothes to wear that don't make me look pregnant, about having to throw up while I'm doing public speaking, having to no-thank-you coffee or wine... I just want to fast-forward two weeks and start fresh. Not to mention, two weeks from now I'll either be two weeks farther in the pregnancy, or... not. It will be nice to know, either way.

Friday, June 01, 2007

11 new posts!

The "radio silence" period is over now, I reckon- so feel free to catch up, starting below at "mother's day" and read up. Let's not get too excited now.