My pumpkin plant is homosexual.

It's true! There are supposed to be male flowers and female flowers, but all this plant has is males. Tons of them, in flamboyant orange. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that it means NO PUMPKINS!
Well, maybe this week I'll go buy a store-bought pumpkin, and save some of the seeds for the back yard. We'll see what happens.

The List.

Once upon a time I heard a comedian tell about having a top ten friends list, that he updated every year. I thought it was a great idea, and started doing it myself. My list was just that, a top ten friends list, and I would start working on it in November or Dcember. The first few years of the list, I would email the results out to the top tenners, or call with the good news. But then, our friends starting hosting New Year's Eve parties every year, and since most of the top tenners were there in person, I started announcing them at midnight. It was always fun to see them react to their places on the list, and comparing their ranks from year to year.
It was never hard to write the list, that is, never hard to come up with ten names of people who should "make it". Ranking them could be difficult sometimes. I had a few rules, like no family members on the list, (including husbands) and the friends who made it had to be "weekend friends"- that is, work friends could make the list but only if they'd become friends outside of work, too.
One of the best parts of having the list was telling new friends that I had it, or hearing other friends tell new people about it. Their reactions usually fell within these categories: "I don't want to be on your list!"(denial), or "can I buy you a coke?"(ambition). One friend used to call me in early December every year to check in and make sure that I was saving him a spot.
Last year, I didn't make the list. I just didn't feel like it. At midnight, at the party, everyone turned to look at me, and I said "I didn't make one". I thought there would be some kind of horrific reaction, some wailing and gnashing of teeth, but there was barely a whimper.
But I think I'll bring it back this year. I've got great friends and I like being able to let them know. Maybe I'll make it an even bigger deal, sponsor some wagering or have a dinner party for the top five. Maybe some prizes. Get busy friends!!

but seriously.

AM I the only one who has war dreams?

Paper or plastic?

I have this thing about plastic grocery bags. I hate them. They don't hold my groceries together in the back of the car, allowing everything to roll all over the place when I take corners. Stores use WAY too many of them. But the worst thing about all those bags is how many of them I see every day tied up in some tree somewhere. I cringe when I see a grocery bag entwined in a tree limb, flapping in the breeze.

I remember when they started the changeover from paper to plastic. There was a lot of debate, and every store made an effort to ask their customers, "paper or plastic?" Remember those powdery-feeling biodegradable bags? What ever happened to those? (I remember reading that they weren't that much better than the regular ones. I dunno though.)
So, I try to avoid getting plastic bags at the store, and when I see them in trees and bushes and whatnot, I pick them up. I save the bags we do get, and bring them back to the store to recycle. I try to bag my own groceries, because when I ask the bagger kid to do it, they sigh at me.
Today, I went to Market Basket, and bought groceries for our dinner tonight. I asked for paper bags. The kid put two items in a paper bag, and then, I swear, put the other items into plastic bags, and put them into the paper bag. He individually wrapped, in plastic, the eggs, the milk, the chicken (ok, raw chicken, I can see that) and the bottle of hand soap. I worked at a grocery store once, and I was told that soaps are separately bagged so as not to contaminate the food. But seriously, how much contamination can happen in a ten minute car trip? How often do plastic bottles of hand soap burst open in the back of our cars?
So after I checked out, I pulled out of the register area, pulled over my cart, and rebagged my bags, grabbing a bag from a nearby register. Now I have four bags that have been used for two seconds, but they're wet and rumpled. They can't use them again, so I sadly hand them to the manager to put them in the bag recycling bin.
Join me, America. Boycott plastic grocery bags. Pick 'em up when you see them. Endure the hateful stares from bag boys while saving the planet.

Joe, you're too low! Pull up!! Pull up!!!!!

In a weird confluence of several of my most irrational fears, the little airport behind our house is hosting several WWII-era planes, and flying them out over my driveway (which is an unusual flight path for the airport). And they're LOW. You can count the freckles on the noses of the pilots).
All of you, my myriad readers, may remember that my post 9/11 fears of planes crashing on my house live on. (I don't always duck...) The other fear featured here, even more bizarre, is a war thing. What's weird here is that whenever I have dreams about war, (not often, I swear- don't go taking up a collection for my therapy) it's WWII that is the scene I picture. I know, I was born umpty-nine years after that war, but somehow, as wars go, it is the most significant and clear frame of reference for me. I blame the old movies and Time-Life books.
So imagine, if you will, heading out to work (on your day off) for a stressful meeting, and in the driveway, flying directly over your head (and did I mention LOW) is a WWII-type war plane. Oh, and you're me. Very Twilight Zone, no?
And, am I the only one who has war dreams?

prayer request

I got this email from one of my kids from a former parish. I have taken out his town and last name, even though his father wants his story told as stated at the end of the email, ya know, just for safety or privacy's sake. But this young man needs your prayers, so if you could put him on your list I'm much appreciative.
I know this young man. He's a great guy, and it's so awful, after all he's already been through, that this is happening to him again. Please help me pray for him.

Hello family and friends,
I am writing you to ask you all to pray for a 17 year old student with brain cancer. He received a clean bill of health 5 years ago and learned in May of this year that the cancer has returned and is now in 6 areas of his brain. He is not a candidate for chemotherapy or radiation at this point. His only hope is an alternative treatment which his father is administering at home, through IV. The treatment causes a high fever of 105 degrees and makes the young man very ill. The hope is that the toxins that are injected will kill the tumors. Brain damage is now occurring; either due to the tumors or the toxins.
Please pray for the father and mother who are trying relentlessly to save their son; the son who is experiencing this pain and suffering and the rest of the family who include 4 siblings. The father, who I spoke to today, wants prayers and believes it is the only hope. He also wants his son's name to not be anonymous. His name is David. Thank you for including him in your prayers.

Thanks all.

Veterans' Day

When I was a fairly new Youth Minister, I was dating a Veteran Youth Minister, and lucked into attending a "Veteran Youth Ministers" meeting at the OYM. I tried to stay quiet, since I had essentially gained entrance on my boyfriend's coattails, but my ears were wide open. I learned so much from these people. They already knew and understood the things that I was struggling to figure out. They were confident, educated, strong- they'd tried and failed, and tried and succeeded. I wondered what my life would be like when I achieved veteran status.
Well I'm officially in! This week we're gathering again the veterans and I'm one of them. I've been doing YouthMinistry professionally for 10 years now, and working with adolescents for almost 15 years, in various other (secular) capacities.I'm at the point where those vets were so long ago, who I admired so much.
I do feel like a veteran, I have definitely seen and learned and tried a lot of things. I have developed a significant sense of cynicism, experience serious burnout, cried and laughed at the amazing things I've seen happen at kids, felt and known the presence of the Holy Spirit, learned a LOT about this Church and its workings... I've read and read and read as much about Youth Ministry as I have been able to. I've been inspired and enraged. I feel like a veteran-complete with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!
I can't wait to hear what these veterans have to say. I'm wondering how many of us are in serious burnout mode. I'm curious to hear the differences between the stories of the males and the females. I wonder what people will be saying about the state of YM in the Archdiocese.
I'll keep you posted!

too much to say

For as far back as I can remember, I've loved to write- not just loved to, I have needed to write. In college, when times were hard and I was struggling, and my heart was being broken by some fella, I had two remedies. I bought Symphony bars (we called them "sympathy" bars) and if things were really bad, I'd by myself a nice, new, black pen. Nothing fancy, just something that would write my feelings out in a lovely, serious, black black ink. My notebooks in college were full of brain-drippings, funnelled through my nice black pens.
Since college, I've filled plenty of journals- at times I would write every day, on and on, but at other points, you might see weeks or even months between entries in my journals. But still, and probably forever, whenever I hit crisis and struggle, it's like a physical need- I've got to write. It's almost as if I need to start writing to see what comes out. As that old quote goes, "How do I know what I think until I see what I say?"
So, now comes blogging, and suddenly everything is public and friends keep sending me articles about bloggers who've been drummed out of society for what they've written and now have to live on the river's edge wearing sackcloth. It's hard for me not to let my brain drip onto my keyboard, and out into cyberspace but I do know that it's important to be careful. So, the opposite situation happens- now, when I struggle the most, I step away from the blog because it's too risky to be truthful, too public a place to be private on.
Which is to say, if you don't see me posting much (like lately), it's probably because I have too much to say.

on 9/11

On 9/11, (THE nine-eleven) I had just gotten up and was pouring myself an iced coffee, when the phone rang. I hadn't turned on the tv yet (I was that freshly awake). PJ was calling from work, where he couldn't get on the internet and had no tv access- he asked me what was happening, but I didn't know. I turned on the tv while I had him on the phone, and we watched things unfold. It was stunning- that is, I remember really feeling stunned, and it took me a while to really grasp what was going on.
I went in to where Scott was blissfully asleep, and woke him up. How do I wake him? What do I tell him? I woke him and said "something bad has happened" and we turned on the little tv in the bedroom and watched together, holding onto each other on our bed.
That day, we had lunch together and then went to our own parishes to get to work on how we could serve through this horror. It was that day that we decided to buy a cell phone, so we could more easily reach each other in times of crisis.
Just last week I realized how I'm still affected by this all. I was in the shower and heard a really really loud noise overhead. We live next to a small airport, and I thought maybe the Hood blimp was right over the house, but that really doesn't happen- then I thought it might be a plane about to fall onto our house. (that doesn't happen either, so far) I literally ducked in the shower. (I am great in a crisis) then I realized what it was- a lawnmower going by the bathroom window.
Before 9/11 I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have confused a lawnmower with a plane crashing on my house.
I have long noticed that God has put some near-misses with tragedy in my life, and I think it's been to teach me empathy. If I freak out at lawnmowers I can get a bit of a glimpse, however mild, of what the real victims of this tragedy must be feeling.
Although I won't be able to watch much of the tv 9/11-palooza that will be on tomorrow, I will be praying for all of us to heal and feel peace again.

Keeping Children Safe...........

Well I spent the last two days at a "training" for implimenting the new "Keeping Children Safe" program, which is essentially "Talking about Touching" for middle school grades. Although I don't feel as though I can really tell, here, what I thought of the training, due to the fact that I'm sure to be already on some list of sympathizers at the chancery after the bit of noise I dared to make at the session, I will tell you this little story.
Somewhere around the middle of the second day of the training, a refridgerator started to hum loudly in the kitchen which adjoined the meeting room. Between us and the fridge were a door, and next to that a really large, gaping wide window with no covering and no ability to shut. When the humming started, one of the leaders of the training jumped up to address the situation. She walked over to the kitchen, and closed that door. Didn't do much at all, with the gaping wide open window there to let all the noise flow through. But I guess she thought the action of closing that tiny, ineffective door was worth the action.
And that's the end of my story.

sacred space

Ohhh yeah, when I got to work today I had 34 messages on my machine, and the light was blinking "FULL"...."FULL"...."FULL"...."FULL"....
The phone rang pretty much constantly as soon as I set foot in the office- in fact, every time I tried to get the messages off the machine and into my notebook, someone would call and that would turn off the machine mid-message, and I'd have to start over again.
In the midst of it all were tons of kids visiting, the maintenance guys ripping up carpet in the dining room, parents coming by to pick up or drop off paperwork, and a 400 piece mailing. Oh and also two meetings.
About midday, I got a message from my dear, sweet friend who has just taken a job in the West region, who lovingly told me she has a whopping 84 kids from grades 8-10. Total.
I thought about putting my head down on my desk, but instead I dialed up Sacred Space (www.sacredspace.ie) and tried to focus. Sacred Space is a website run by the Jesuits in Ireland (which explains the .ie domain on the web site address) and it's a great place to turn in just such a state as I was in today. You click, and it helps you ease into prayer, and then you click and it gently guides you to open your heart to God. There's scripture, and help reflecting, and also at the bottom of every page there's little places you can click for even more help, if you're stuck.
Today Sacred Space helped me get grounded again, and reassured me that God's power can overcome my powerlessness, which was a message I sorely needed to be reminded of. Ahhhhh......

Labor Day Freakout

Shhhhhh....Remain calm. DON'T think about the fact that tomorrow the proverbial poop hits the rhetorical fan. I KNOW every sign points to Summer being over but we don't have to talk about that. I KNOW every commercial on tv has a math book in it and every store has spiral notebooks on sale. I know. But, let's not focus on that. We don't have to. Let's focus on the good things. Let's go to our happy place.

Nooooo, no. Not there. Go deeeeeper. Breathe deep. There you go.

I made it!

Okay, attendance-takers out there, take ease. I did go to Mass. I split the difference and went to an evening Mass at a parish between here and His. His would be, it really would be, too much like work, too much like home, and sometimes I really do love the feeling of being one of the crowd at Mass. I didn't have to get up once, I didn't have to worry that the lector might forget to step forward for the POTF, I didn't have to help with the collection, I didn't have to be uber-friendly (although I was pretty friendly!) It was very nice.
I know Mass is communal prayer, but I have to admit, I like the feeling, every once in a while, of being a little anonymous. I did the whole bit, I kneeled/stood/sat when everyone else did, I sang out with all the songs, and followed along with the readings. I smiled and said "peace be with you" to everyone, and all that stuff. But I felt alone in the crowd, and I liked it.
There. I said it.

however, I have to admit...

... it wouldn't take tooooooo much convincing to get me out of the house to, say, go get Supreme Roast Beef. I may be a terrible Catholic but I'm a VERY good eater.

a body at rest...

So I don't have to go to work today- it being Labor day weekend and thus attendance at the 6 will be light- and since I have about 55 hours of "comp time" to take back in response to my overworking lately- and I am faced with an interesting quandary. What to do about Mass? I've been invited to Scott's parish for the 5, which is always nice but today feels like it would be just what I'm trying to avoid. Also, there's something childish in me that keeps count of how many times I've slogged down there to "his" Mass versus how many times he's come to "mine".
So, if it's not there, and it's not my parish, then where? Well, I woke up too late to go to any normal morning Masses in our town, which would have been at 9 or ten. So I'll have to find another evening Mass. I know there's one at both of my former parishes, but can't go there!
The thing is, it would be so easy to just skip. Just stay at home and watch Fail Safe, which is saved on our dvr box. I could stay in my pajamas, eat brownies, play on my new computer, and did I mention it's raining out? Hard! It makes me realize that without working at/for the Church, it would be very easy for me to let my religious duties slip away. I wonder how Catholic I would be if I weren't a minister? I wonder what impels non-Church-employed Catholics to keep it up, especially when it's so darn cold and rainy outside?

fever dreams

At just around this time last year, as I was preparing to take on my new (current) job, I started feeling stress like I really never had before. I've been known as the kind of person who is laid back and doesn't get stressed out-I was once described as "walking valium"- so this came as kind of a shock. I started to have dreams that I could only really compare to the kind of dreams I've had when I'm sick with a high fever. The odd thing was, something would be stuck in my head and every dream I had would be centered on that, all night, and I just couldn't shake it. For several nights it was a particular Christina Aguilera song (I can't remember which one now) and it would be in my dreams and would continue to run in my head every time I woke up, which was several times during the night. It was awful- and not only because it was a pretty bad song.
I guess I have a high threshhold for stress- and maybe that makes it even harder to deal with it once it actually comes.
Now, a year later, I'm having those feverish dreams again- two nights ago it was a Beastie Boys song (great song- love it. But...). Everyone in every dream was rapping those song lyrics to me. No, they're not meaningful lyrics (ex: "just gliding in the glade... like Lorne Greene you know I get paid!")- just one of the last songs I had in my head before I went to sleep. Last night my dreams were all about the last days of Anchorage, the group home I used to work for and which is now actually closing down. There was lots to do, lots of running around and making sure everything was packed and taken care of.
I know why I'm stressed again this year- it's the same reason I was last year- the schedule and expectations that loom ahead of me are massive and intimidating, and I don't feel like I have much control over them. That's not a feeling I'm used to, and not one (clearly) that I'm comfortable with.
Tonight, as I write this, I'm away from home, on the Cape (or near it, I'm not exactly sure) with some of my dearest friends. We spent the evening laughing hard and I'm good and tired. I pray for peaceful sleep and that my emotional clock will be reset by the distance, fresh air and laughter.

Youth Masses

Tonight I met with my Youth Mass committee. Our parish has a 6:00 Mass, and we plan all the high school faith formation classes to abut that Mass, and we have this group of adults who are interested in making it "youth-friendly". We trained a buncha kids last year to be lectors and Eucharistic ministers and greeters, and we have meetings to plan things like helpful homily ideas and decorations and whatnot. But there is only so much we can do, because three weeks of each month there is a "contemporary music group" who play their guitars and flute and sing.
But I'm not going to complain about the youth-Mass-ness of the youth Mass. What I want to talk about it LifeTeen.
Last year at this time I was just getting started at this parish, and this very group of people came to talk about instituting Life Teen Masses and Life Nights at our parish. I shared with them my views on the subject, which I think they mostly disagreed with, but let it go in hopes of pursuing it later.
And here are my views:
* I have a problem with putting a brand name on the Mass. I cringe when I ask kids where they go to church and they say "I belong to such and such Lifeteen". Wha?
* I hate how kids at Lifeteen Masses sit separately from their parents and the rest of the congregation. Okay, maybe it's just at the several parishes whose LT Masses I've visited.
*I think it's GREAT, but only for a small part of the community- not just that it's only great for teenagers, it's only great for a portion of the teenagers in a parish. When a hundred kids show up and do the hand motions to the songs at a Mass every week, it sure looks like great ministry is happening- and it is- but only for a small portion of the population. I think putting all our effort into one model in that way creates walls that do damage in a parish community.
* I think the Liturgy is enough, if done well, to reach young people. It doesn't need to have skits and jokes and silliness to reach kids and I think the theatrics of a Lifeteen Mass set up kids for serious disappointment when they graduate to the real world and Mass isn't as entertaining as it was in Lifeteen.
Sooooo, there it is. The arguments I've heard against my opinions mostly fall into the kids need Mass to be that way, for them< and >the Lifeteen organization doesn't really want parishes to do it that way, they just abuse the idea.<
I will grant ya that Lifeteen puts out some great resources for the Mass. BUT, you can't just buy what you need, you have to pay upwards of 600.00 to get a box every few months with a Liturgical planning guide (this is all I really want), Life Night planning guides (even if you don't do lifenights) a few cd's (nice, but not necessary) a couple of random books, and some silly thing like a blow-up-something-or-other, or a toy or a tchotchke. If I could, I'd buy the Lit. Planning guides at every opportunity, happily pay 20 bucks for the book, and let the rest go at a savings of around $520.00 or so.
I DO believe Masses should be youth- and youth-family friendly, but I think it takes only some effort on the part of the music group to make the music singable, some effort on the part of the ministers to create a friendly (to everyone) environment, and effort on the part of the presider to at least acknowledge the existence of young people. After that, God's got it covered.
But hey, that's just my opinion(s).

new computer!!

So despite the fact that PC laptops are about 1/2 the cost of macs, and despite the fact that we arrive at payday regularly with about 2.50 in our bank account, we went out and bought a macbook. It's totally cool, of course, and since we are Catholic Educators with ID cards from the National Catholic Educators Association, we got a discount and a free (after rebate) nano ipod and a free (after rebate) color copier/printer/scanner.
Yesterday I spent most of the day on my rear end (it was MUCH needed) reading through and cleaning out my old emails, which were mir-maculously transferred, along with everything else, from my old computer to my new one when I brought it home. It was kind of weird; 1. to see which emails I didn't delete for some unknown reason... and 2. to relive my life of the past two years or so through the emails people have sent me. Congratulations on new jobs, sorrys to hear about your job changes, what's your new addresses, sorry's about your miscarriages. Meetings, parties, holidays, trips. Jokes, lots of jokes from my aunt, MMMM's, Bible Study night plans with the girlies. Such is my life, as seen through my inbox.
I heard a radio piece once about how computers were making changes in what people left behind when they die. What is to happen to all the information a person puts on their hard drive throughout their life? Where our grandparents left maybe a diary and a few pictures and some items grabbed by loved ones before the house was sold, this generation leaves every thought they've ever had, on some computer somewhere. EVERY picture they ever took, their blog or journal or myspace or facebook... what are we supposed to do with this stuff in the future? Will there be some kind of hard drive cemetary where we can deposit people's computers when they die, and go back to visit and see videos and pictures and financial records contained on them?
What a world, what a world!

Friday brain drain

This week was a whirlwind of action at work, lots of last-minute getting-things-done and the beginnings of the registration mailing process. With two hundred kids in each grade level, that means a mammoth amount of work- and every time I glance at my calendar from September 1st forward, my stomach tightens. I’m more overwhelmed in this job than I’ve ever felt, which should be a great motivator for me- I always have done well right at deadline when the pressure’s on. But now the pressure’s on all the time, from Sunday-Thursday, and by Thursday (which is my Friday) I am so ready to sit on my chair and catch up on all the blogs I read (or try to read) every day, and watch mindless television.
We had a years-first-staff-meeting this week, introducing the newest staff members to us “oldies” and vice-versa. I want to make good use of staff meetings this year for PR and to educate people on just what’s going on in YM and the goals and needs. I have found that when you repeat things to people often, they start to take what you say in, and on, and believe them. So I’m trying to decide what it is I should be repeating. So far what I’ve heard myself hear is that my job is inhumanly huge… and I do want people to hear and believe that, because it’s true. I don’t want everyone to think it’s a cake-walk because when people believe that about your job, they start to offer helpful suggestions of more things you could be doing, I just don’t have the time/energy/resources, at least this year, to respond to that helpfulness, even the good ideas. I want people to know that I’m capable but strung out. Or, rather, strung out but capable.
But ultimately I want to remind people over and over this year that the Church is calling for change- that we are to really put our money where our mouths are and start serving/catechizing/evangelizing people throughout their lifespan. If we do truly believe that faith is a lifelong journey, then we have to stop concentrating our catechetical and evangelization efforts at the first 15 years of a person’s life. It’s time for the CCD paradigm to change.
So there’s a Friday blog entry after a whirlwind week. Maybe tonight I’ll have lost my work buzz enough to tackle something a bit more meaty….

neato sunday, part two

But the REALLY cool thing was driving home with my friend. She is a Sophomore in college, and was telling about how she is just not sure what she wants to pursue/become. In the span of our conversation, we talked about how sign language has become such an important part of her life, and when she looked back over her life she could see that God had been lining things up in her life since she was small, to bring her to where she is now.
She told me that she had been fascinated by Helen Keller’s story as a child, and had asked for a book from Santa one Christmas long ago. But we realized together that not only had there been interest from way back on her part, but that so many things lined up that were outside of her control or awareness. Her father works at her college, which made it possible for her to attend there. This college has an active “deaf ministry” which she felt drawn to immediately- and the fact that she attended the ministry fair her freshman year that connected her to that ministry is a pretty neat trick of fate, too, when you look at it.
I was jealous of what looks like her easy float downstream toward her calling, and we laughed a bit at her worrying about what to do/be, when it all looks so much like the plan is set for her.
Then, I got to thinking… what if all my agonizing is silly? What’s God lining up in my life that I don’t have the distance and perspective to see? Why do I have such a hard time believing that God has put that much thought and design into my plan?