antici.......................................................pation.

I know I've written here how bad I am at dealing with anticipation... and here I find myself today with nothing to do but anticipate. Today I'm home from work, waiting for a 2:00 mammogram appointment, after which I'll come home (to put on deodorant!) and then wait for my 6:30 class to begin, and then home again for the night to wait until morning, when I head up to visit my parents and family while my Dad has a cardiac test.
In stressful situations, I want to do something. I want to get packed, I want to gather the stuff I need to bring up to their house, where I'll be cooking dinner- I want to find recipes, I want to go shopping for supplies. But, mostly everything I need will have to be gotten at the grocery store on the way up, so I can't gather that yet. My laundry is done and my packing almost done, and I can't do any of the cooking I plan to do, ahead of time, either.
I'm not nervous about the test, but I want it to be over because I want to be able to plan for what comes next. Denial of the possible outcomes doesn't help me in the way that planning for them does. It feels better to do something than to do nothing. So, my kitchen's clean, my bills are paid, the garbage is out, I'm ready to get ready- and I'm ready for what comes next. I just want it to hurry up and get here. the suspense kills me!

Anticipate/Participate

When I was little, we lived close enough that we could walk to and from the elementary school. No buses for us, until junior high. I used to take forever to get home, I'd dawdle all the way because I was so interested in all the leaves and flowers and rocks- I really liked rocks- and neighborhood pets that I would visit along my route. But when I was in trouble...
When I was in trouble- say, on report card day, or I had been spoken to in school or told to "go stand on the wall" at recess- when I knew I was going to GET IT, I would practically RUN home! On those days, the days that I should have really avoided going to my doom, I rushed toward the trouble.
It's still true now, I guess. When something difficult is on my horizon, I don't want to wait to address it- I don't want to wait at all- I want to rush toward it, dive in, and get it over with.
Now I'm in this time of mad transition, and I just want to get to the punch line already! But this change, from the moment it became a possibility, to the process of its evolution, to its still-future resolution, has been all about "slow and steady". S-l-o-o-w.
I hate it- it feels like dishonesty to hold on to this news- I want to tell everyone! I dread the process of transitioning, I want to do it fast! Like ripping off a band-aid!
But God has taken control of this process, which I know is leading me to a place which He has chosen for me, a situation that is right and good, and God-sent- and I can see that He is making me feel and be present in every step and minute of it. Which I hate, but I am starting to understand the value of it. I guess He knows that letting it all tumble by in a blur is not the most useful way for me to face this change.
At my Search retreat in high school, there was a saying: "don't anticipate, PARticipate". I reckon that's my mission now.