Silent Reading Time

I just came back from a silent, directed retreat! It was my first time. Outside of dinner on Friday night and two meetings with my director (who, have I mentioned, is an angel) I was silent and loved it. At first it was hard not to be friendly, but then it was so lovely to not have to think of small talk, or to be able to sit and stare out the window without anyone wanting to know what's wrong. SO lovely. I hung out in my room a lot, which no one said was un-sociable, because no one cared, and if they did, they couldn't say so. An introvert's dreeeeeam.
I read three books, which I could almost have imagined that the authors met across time and space to write for me, for this weekend. Here's what I read:

Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis, by Lauren Winner, of Girl Meets God (another great book). She talks about the middle time of faith, after the rosy glow of conversion wears off. She lost touch with God after a divorce and her mother's death, and while my crisis was of a different nature, I could relate to a lot of what she said. And, she writes like I write, or at least like I think, so she's fun and comforting to read. She's nerdy about faith in the same way I am. I really enjoyed it and did a lot of underlining.


The Personal Vocation: Transformation in Depth Through the Spiritual Exercises by Herbert Alphonso. I have never done the Spiritual Exercises, but heck, I might someday, and now I'm ahead of the game. He talks about defining God's revelation to you personally, and knowing your purpose through what you know about God. He's kind of folksy, but really got to the heart of what I was seeking this weekend.




Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen. My first Nouwen book. He wrote it specifically for someone, but it was so for me. He talks about reclaiming our role as the beloved that was ours even before we were born. He talks about being taken (chosen), blessed, broken, and given. Beautiful and moving. I found this one in the library at the retreat center, and considered stealing it. Instead I read it in one big gulp.




And,
Before we even started I found this magazine in the library and read the article called "Feeling with God: Participation in Incarnation" by Allan Schnarr, Ph.D. and as boring as that sounds, it was life-changing. I want Allan Schnarr, Ph.D. to be my therapist. Wowsers.





If you ever get a chance to take a silent retreat, I recommend it. I'm feeling great peace and confidence that I was sorrily lacking before, and a renewed understanding of who I am to God, and what that means for my life. I don't know what will happen for you, but you'll never know until you try. I showed up there at 3:01, anxious to start, and today I wanted to run back to my life. I feel great and strong again. S'good.

What to do, what to do?

Today is not the first day of a vacation. But it is the first day of a long weekend (interrupted by a short work day on Sunday), followed by a week of Scottlessness, as he heads to Catholic Heart Workcamp. I have been weirdly moody as I stare down the barrel of this week, at moments looking forward to missing Scott and at other moments dreading sleeping without him. It's going to be very different around here for a week! It's good for us to be apart briefly like this, I think, because it reminds us how much we love to be together (I think of that line "how can I miss you if you never go away?"), and it feeds my inner introvert (I always think I'll use time like this to catch up with friends and whatnot, but instead I cocoon myself and speak very little, and recharge), so that when he comes back I am refreshed and renewed- like after a retreat- and SO excited to see him.
I will be working all week of course, but my office-mate will also be away, which means I can turn my music up and talk to myself at my desk all I want, two conditions that increase my productivity about a bazillion percent. I'm planning on doing some serious writing done, specifically on my workshops for my grad school internship, and lots of stuff for next Fall's programming at the parish. Oooh I can't wait!
Today I had a couple of chores to do- just grocery shopping and kitchen cleaning, because tomorrow some revelers are coming to celebrate the 3rd of July (the real holiday here in our town). After that Scott left to do his own errands and I was at a loss. With this stretch of time lined up before me I feel like a kid at an amusement park- which ride to do first (or more like me, which fried food to eat first)? Should I nap? Read my book? Do some project? Clean out my closet? Take a long, luscious shower? Watch an old movie? Cook something? Aughhhh it's all too beautiful.
...so I took my book out on the porch, read till I fell asleep. Then I watched a junky talk show on tv!! Woo!

Kicking it old school

I went on retreat a couple of weeks ago, sort of a combined adult-and-teen retreat, sort of a leadership retreat, and I didn't want to go. I went because I've never been on this yearly retreat, and I love the retreat center they were going to, and my friends were going to be there, including one who'd never been on one before, and because I wanted to be with Scott.
But I didn't want to go. Usually on that weekend I spend my days at home, all by myself, working hard at long-neglected chores and reading and eating well and soaking up the sun, and I love that weekend of time by myself.
But I went like a good sport and really did enjoy myself. I know I've written here before that it's very hard for me to do Youth Ministry things while not being the Coordinator, or even, technically, a team-member, and I've held myself out of being a volunteer in the parish where I work as an adult formation person. But this time I went ahead and broke out some of my rusty old YM skills, and it felt great.
A lot of what we did was familiar stuff, and it's hard to do familiar stuff with someone else leading it, because they don't do it the way I would. But some of the stuff was new, and I tried hard to be-here-now in the familiar stuff as well.
I was reminded of the things I've long loved about youth ministry- the kids were so funny and their responses to God were so deep and sincere. Their observations were surprising and striking. They were generous with each other and took everything seriously.
And I was really reminded of the emotional quality of youth retreats. It wasn't like an old-school get-them-tired-and-play-with-their-emotions kind of thing, like they did when I was a kid. It was just... a lot of love. I could see kids turning to Christ and feeling loved and returning that love right in front of me. It felt, as it always does, I remember- it felt like such an honor to witness people falling in love.
Someday I'll be back in youth ministry, and I hope I won't forget this feeling of honor, and the value of emotion in ministry. It makes me happy to know I still want to go back to where God originally sent me, still have a heart for seeing Christ work in the hearts of young people.

A Retreat of My Own

Scott's away this weekend on the yearly Sophomore retreat, and I stayed home with GOF responsibilities. It was my first time back in the saddle of Youth Ministry after a couple of years now, and I was excited and nervous to be back, even if temporarily. I pulled out all my greatest YM hits and had a couple of extra go-to goodies in my bag, just in case, and I think it went fine. It's well-timed for my annual retreat season mourning period for my Youth Ministry days. I get another shot at it tomorrow.
Meanwhile, between GOF's I've had a whole day to myself. Oddly enough (and maybe I've written about this here before?) I think that at heart I am an introvert, well, a little at least- I crave days like this, where I don't have to talk to anyone, or hear any noise, or be anyplace at anytime. Even when we travel, at some point in the day I feel a real need to head back to the hotel room, to touch home plate in some way, and once I have, I feel ready to go back out there. Today is an elongated version of that, I think.
So I slept a little late, had my usual low-carb breakfast (I have a one-egg omelet every day- usually with spinach, mushrooms and goat cheese, but when I run out of goat cheese like today, it's with cream cheese. And bacon. Two strips.) and then puttered around a little. I had considered day trips- maybe to Maine, maybe a drive to parts unknown with my camera- but as the morning went on, I was feeling pretty good where I was. I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and took a shower and then went out into the world.
I have ordered all my school books but not all have arrived, including Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer, which I am to have read by Tuesday noon. So I went to the Barnes and Noble nearby, bought a coffee, and sat down and read the whole darn book. (Is that stealing?) It's a great book, it turns out- I can't wait to get my own copy so I can scribble in it, there are lots of great lines.
Home again, I cooked up some cheddar cheese crisps (oh my GOSH they're good! And so easy! Nothing better than a new way to eat cheese!!) and did my chores, finished all my reading for school (!) and now here I am at last in my chair, snug in a sleeping bag and dreaming of dinner.
I know Scott's weekend is going well, and I like the idea of my day being full of prayer for him and his kids and team. I simultaneously love the staying-in and lone-ness of this day and can't-flippin'-wait for him to come home.

twas great!

Well you know, I really had a great weekend on retreat. It was a blessing and an honor to be there, and fun too! Even though I'm currently not wearing the YM hat and didn't do much "direct ministry", I saw signs that I am being effective as a minister of whatever-type-I-am... and that's pretty cool. And I'm just as tired as I was when I was a director.

How to NOT be a youth minister

I'm going on a Sophomore retreat this weekend. But this year, I'm a mere adult team member, rather than the Director. It's a weird feeling. I guess I should be celebrating that I don't have to worry over the usual retreat worry stuff like cancellations, weather, parent freak-outs, etc. etc. etc... but you know, I'm feeling sad.
It's weird to sit in the planning meetings and not be in charge- weird to curb my reflex to jump in and, well... direct. I have so many great suggestions and loads of feedback and ideas to give. But I'm not the director. This retreat already has a great couple of directors and they don't need me to jump in. In fact, I'm not even really needed on this retreat. So not only am I not the director, I'm not, specifically, anything. (Okay I will be taking the photos for the weekend. There.)
So, for me, this weekend will be yet another exercise in how to not be a Youth Minister, the very thing that I am at heart, the thing I'm most qualified to be, the place where I am most comfortable. I know I'll have a fun weekend, and I am looking forward to it, and you know, maybe I'll end up enjoying that non-stress after all.

Writer's Unblock... (Three new posts)

Today at the family Mass our pastor told the kids about Ebenezer Scrooge. The story aligns pretty perfectly with today's Gospel reading, and he drew some pretty cool connections between the two stories.
What I realized as he was talking was this: the Christmas Carol story demonstrates CONVERSION. Not only did Scrooge hear the lessons and see the evidence, he took those lessons to heart- and then, they CHANGED HIM.
This, in a nutshell, incomplete kind of way, explains why faith formation in the Catholic Church had to (has to) change. We've long busied ourselves with teaching the lessons, but never bothered to teach this life-changing Good News in a way that might, -ahem- change lives.

And on another similar, but unconnected topic: It's a two way street I guess, with teachers working on teaching to the hearts of our students, and with students accepting the Good News and putting it to use in our lives.

This week on our retreat, a friend prayed for "a kick in the ass" to get him to change his life- and another friend said "remember you prayed for that, when you get it!" I can relate to his prayer, because so many times I have already heard the answers to my questions, but ignored those answers that I've begged for. If what you ask for is a kick in the ass, get ready to bend over. But before you bend, why not just listen, and be changed by what you have heard so many times?

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials,

for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and he will be given it. But he should ask in faith, not doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind.

James 1:5-6