A YM at heart

I visited Scott and the kids at camp last night, and once again I felt the ache.
First of all, the camp is so great- the energy is high and the kids are high, by Thursday, on what good they've done for the world, and in new relationships with Jesus. They are suddenly fluent about their faith where they might not have had the vocabulary to express it before, or where they might have been unaware of God's love before. The room is full of changed people, people in love- the energy comes from that, and it's palpable. There's something about going away and doing something different, and being surrounded by people who show you that this is possible because of God's love...
I fought off teariness all night- you know crowd happiness makes me cry (remember, I cry at parades and at crowds cheering and at displays of school spirit...) and this room, it was a combination of all three. But it wasn't just that-
You know how women who want babies have that ache when they see babies on the street? I get that ache when I see great Youth Ministry going on. I miss that beautiful honor of accompanying young people on their Emmaus walks- I miss being a witness to the lighting of that spark in their eye. I miss being a matchmaker, introducing kids to the real Love of their life. I miss getting to know the best sides of kids, that they only let show (or only come to realize themselves) when they are away on retreat or at camp. I miss it.
I was introduced to the camp director last night, and Scott told him I'm doing adult ministry now- he asked me if I thought I'd stay there, and I said "I really love my ministry but I think I'll always be a Youth Minister."

What to do, what to do?

Today is not the first day of a vacation. But it is the first day of a long weekend (interrupted by a short work day on Sunday), followed by a week of Scottlessness, as he heads to Catholic Heart Workcamp. I have been weirdly moody as I stare down the barrel of this week, at moments looking forward to missing Scott and at other moments dreading sleeping without him. It's going to be very different around here for a week! It's good for us to be apart briefly like this, I think, because it reminds us how much we love to be together (I think of that line "how can I miss you if you never go away?"), and it feeds my inner introvert (I always think I'll use time like this to catch up with friends and whatnot, but instead I cocoon myself and speak very little, and recharge), so that when he comes back I am refreshed and renewed- like after a retreat- and SO excited to see him.
I will be working all week of course, but my office-mate will also be away, which means I can turn my music up and talk to myself at my desk all I want, two conditions that increase my productivity about a bazillion percent. I'm planning on doing some serious writing done, specifically on my workshops for my grad school internship, and lots of stuff for next Fall's programming at the parish. Oooh I can't wait!
Today I had a couple of chores to do- just grocery shopping and kitchen cleaning, because tomorrow some revelers are coming to celebrate the 3rd of July (the real holiday here in our town). After that Scott left to do his own errands and I was at a loss. With this stretch of time lined up before me I feel like a kid at an amusement park- which ride to do first (or more like me, which fried food to eat first)? Should I nap? Read my book? Do some project? Clean out my closet? Take a long, luscious shower? Watch an old movie? Cook something? Aughhhh it's all too beautiful.
...so I took my book out on the porch, read till I fell asleep. Then I watched a junky talk show on tv!! Woo!

Jealous

I'm beginning my third year as an Other-Than-Youth-Ministry-Coordinator- that's hard to believe. I love my current job and am not ready to leave it, I have no stirrings of wonder or urges to wander at all. But I sure do miss Youth Ministry.
This week Scott is at Catholic Heart Work Camp, and every night he calls me to tell me the best stories of the day. There are so many. CHWC is an excellent organization- they know what they're doing and offer a powerful combination of discipleship and social justice work with high-energy praise and worship and deep and meaningful faith development opportunities for their participants. This week Scott has experienced again that thing that makes a YM's job special: the honor of being able to witness the growth and deepening of faith in young people.
I think that the best YM's are at their best in retreat and camp settings; it's a chance to get away from the everyday with your kids, a chance to have the blessing of a significant amount of time with them. It's object-learning all day, and down-time where you have, literally, nothing else to do but hang out together. These are things YM's wish for all the time, and try to create at the parish, but rarely get to do. At home, ministry is often done on the fly, when you get the chance.
Every YM strives to be relational, and weekends and weeks like CHWC really give an opportunity to live that out.
So I'll admit it, I'm flat-out jealous of Scott this week and the other YM's that are there, or somewhere, away with their kids. I'm so happy for him and love to hear the stories and I know I'll be moved by the obvious differences in the faces of the kids from before they leave to their return home at the end of the week. I'm proud to be on the staff of a parish that cares enough about youth and about evangelization and service to support this kind of activity, too. But there's a green monster burning in my heart, jealous of a missed opportunity to be a part of that kind of ministry. I guess that's how I know that my calling to YM is still there- even while I'm on this side-road, I think it must be true that eventually I'll be back in that game- and there will be, I pray, many weekends and weeks like CHWC to come for me and my future kids.