I visited my spiritual director this morning, and as always, came away with lots to chew on. I was telling her about my whole hurrying on of time that I've written about here, and how I've become more and more aware of my tendency to do this over the past couple of years. I told her that it had been a lifelong trait of mine, described how my walk home from school was usually 20 minutes (while I dallied and played and sang songs to the trees and visited the neighborhood pets on my way down the hill) if I'd had a good day- but when I knew I'd be getting in trouble as soon as I got home, I would somehow unconsciously race there. I remember cursing myself (slow down!! Enjoy your freedom while it lasts!!) but I almost couldn't help myself, I just wanted to get it over with. The anticipation was an uncomfortable place for me to linger in.
Now I find I am worse than ever in this way- I have little patience for the introductory chords at the beginning of songs, preferring to jump right to the words- I click ahead on youtube videos that take too long to start. I have no patience for opening credits.
I even find myself checking IMDB for the ending of movies so I won't have to wait to find out.
The same thing happens with my relationship with God. I don't like to tarry in the unknown and unknowable, I want to get TO it. I am happy to learn from God and happy to do what God wants me to do, but come ON, just tell me what you want and I will DO it already!
The weird thing is, I find myself in a section of life that I am enjoying so much- I am so happy right now- that I pray for it to go on for a while. But it is a tension that I see and fight in myself constantly. It can very easily translate into a fear or doominess, a waiting for another shoe to drop.
But the good news is, I know that no matter what, I end up okay. I end up loved and grown by God. I'm curious to find out how it will happen each time, but I always do know that it will. I guess that's what they mean when they talk about waiting and hoping "in joyful expectation."
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
buncha half entries
Maybe it's just a busy time (it is) but I find myself writing half-blog-entries in my head constantly but nothing complete. So I figure I'll regale you with half-entries.
For about two weeks now I've had this spot on my left foot that would suddenly feel like it was heating up. A strange hot spot, just erupting there every several minutes, and then subsiding. Sometimes it felt so hot that I wanted to take off my shoes. But it didn't feel hot to the touch.
As I am always hoping for signs of menopause I kinda hoped I was having a weird hot flash, but then I heard an interview with a woman from Canada who suffered from MS. She said her first symptom was "hot knees." So I've been pretty sure over the last week or so that I have a brand new case of MS, and thought even more seriously than usual about considering taking some kind of exercise. You know, while I could.
Good news! The heat is gone. Now I don't have to work out!
~
I think the most profound thing my mother ever told me was "don't wish away time." It's profound to me, because I think my Mom does that very thing... and also I do it. I'm always looking ahead to some future date, some future thing (like menopause!). All through my first few years of ministry I couldn't wait to have enough years of experience under my belt that I'd feel credible- and always looked forward to looking closer to my age, for crying out loud... I always have looked young, at least since I've been old enough to look one way or another. It's the same thing, a wish to look credible- there's something about a young adult youth minister that seems to scream "I don't know what I'm doing, really!" I also really hate being new at things, in places. So I'm always anxious to get some time behind me, so that I'll know I've made it.
When I was a kid, it would take me forever to walk home from school. I'd stop here and there, visit the neighborhood dogs, linger on the path. But if there was bad news (a bad grade, something I was in trouble with, I would race home, even despite my best efforts to stall. I just wanted to get things over with. I guess I still operate that way.
~
Well, there's two half-things anyway. Does that count for one full blog post? I'll try to do better, people.
For about two weeks now I've had this spot on my left foot that would suddenly feel like it was heating up. A strange hot spot, just erupting there every several minutes, and then subsiding. Sometimes it felt so hot that I wanted to take off my shoes. But it didn't feel hot to the touch.
As I am always hoping for signs of menopause I kinda hoped I was having a weird hot flash, but then I heard an interview with a woman from Canada who suffered from MS. She said her first symptom was "hot knees." So I've been pretty sure over the last week or so that I have a brand new case of MS, and thought even more seriously than usual about considering taking some kind of exercise. You know, while I could.
Good news! The heat is gone. Now I don't have to work out!
~
I think the most profound thing my mother ever told me was "don't wish away time." It's profound to me, because I think my Mom does that very thing... and also I do it. I'm always looking ahead to some future date, some future thing (like menopause!). All through my first few years of ministry I couldn't wait to have enough years of experience under my belt that I'd feel credible- and always looked forward to looking closer to my age, for crying out loud... I always have looked young, at least since I've been old enough to look one way or another. It's the same thing, a wish to look credible- there's something about a young adult youth minister that seems to scream "I don't know what I'm doing, really!" I also really hate being new at things, in places. So I'm always anxious to get some time behind me, so that I'll know I've made it.
When I was a kid, it would take me forever to walk home from school. I'd stop here and there, visit the neighborhood dogs, linger on the path. But if there was bad news (a bad grade, something I was in trouble with, I would race home, even despite my best efforts to stall. I just wanted to get things over with. I guess I still operate that way.
~
Well, there's two half-things anyway. Does that count for one full blog post? I'll try to do better, people.
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