Scars: A Response to A Response

I took FrChip's dare and posted his response, and have waited some days to respond, so I could do so respecfully. As soon as I read his comment, I went back to re-read my post and thought that really, if he'd written his first, my post would have been a great response to his charges. So I won't say much, but there are two things that I think I might as well respond to, and they are these:

1) I chose the word organization purposely in my post, because it is with the organization side of the Church that I struggle. I'm flat-out, head over heels in love with the Mystical Body of Christ- in fact the existence of the MBOC is the reason I still have hope for the organization. I don't think we can just deny that the Church is an organization, and in fact I think it's really dangerous to do so.

2) I know FrChip's "BC boys" jab is just a lame attempt at a personal dig, but here's the thing. I'm not a cheerleader for BC, just went there because opportunity knocked. For the record, I didn't find it to be the bastion of liberality that everyone warned me it would be. But here's the important thing- I didn't get my theology from BC, not from the "boys" or the "girls" there. What I did get from BC, and for which I'll be eternally grateful, was encouragement not to live in fear of people like FrChip, who just want me (and people like me) to shut up and not make waves, who want me to leave well enough alone so that everyone can pretend the emperor's clothes are fine.

Thanks to everyone who sent me great encouragement off the blog. I hope my writing here is always as kind and thoughtful as it is honest, and I appreciate the opportunity to let my thoughts and feelings bleed out through my fingertips and onto your screen. Always, feel free to comment.

7 Quick Takes, Long and Random Edition.

What? So it's not Friday. Let's agree to overlook this detail.

1) So, I passed my defense and I'm officially done with grad school! As of graduation day, I'll have a Masters of Education in Religious Education with a Concentration in Total Community Catechesis. Or, an MEd in RE with TCC, for short. I'm pretty psyched to be done, and yes, proud that I did this. No one at my high school graduation would ever have imagined I'd end up with this many letters, including myself. I only went to college by the hair on my chinny chin chin. Still, I did a pretty decent job there and here I am today, all mastered up.
2) I'm in a dark night of the soul, and deep. I don't think the word "night" quite covers it, it's been a while and something I've suffered through in varying degrees at different times. At the end of this month I'm heading off on a silent retreat (directed, blessedly, by my own spiritual director, who is both a saint AND an angel) and I have to tell you, the impending silence is a little scary. I imagine I'll have to do a lot of listening for God's voice, and that'll be a change, considering my prayer life with God is more like this, with Dr. Evil as me, and Scott as God:

Still, I know it's time to face up to God and what the heck God wants for and of me. As nervous as I am about the retreat, I also feel like it's an island I'm swimming toward.
3) Meanwhile, our cats are dying. Our oldest, Zarley, is 18 and in renal failure but rebounding nicely, for some unknown reason- my best guess is that she is too... "special..." to die. Zarley's always had issues, but she's a love. Pip, who's 16 or 17 now, is sicker, more suddenly, with renal failure. We know we're in our last months with them, and it's so weirdly shocking to think of life without them. We've been together nearly half my life now, and they've seen me through a lifetime roller coaster of emotions. We want to be good to them and responsible, and we're hoping it'll be a peaceful process and that when the time comes, we'll know what to do. In the meantime, we have an IV bag hanging from the pot rack in our kitchen and a baggy full of needles so that Scott can heroically give Pip fluids subcutaneously every few days. He is my hero and a wonderful kitty-daddy. I know, I know.
4) And meanwhile, I've started training to be a Hospice vigil volunteer. We'll eventually be on call to sit with people in their last hours/minutes, if they don't have anyone to sit with them as they die, or to be there if the family can't be. I'm honored and intrigued to be part of this organization and process. The first week, we heard about the dying process and Hospice's philosophy and mission, and the second week, we heard from a nurse about infectious diseases we might catch. I learned that you should never put your pocketbook down on a soft surface in someone's home, and that you can catch Hepatitis from sushi. Still, I'd rather die from a sushi-related disease than go without it for the rest of my life.
5) In order to be a vigil volunteer, we first have to be direct care volunteers for six months, regularly visiting with people who have less than 6 months to live. Honestly this sounds much more foreboding than being with an actively dying person. How's that for introversion???
6) So now I am on the other side of the volunteering process, and I'm learning a lot about what it's like to be the one volunteering instead of the one looking for volunteers. I really feel called to this volunteer work, for whatever reason. At the first information meeting, they let us know we'd need 9 weeks of training, plus six months of volunteering, plus some more training, and TB testing, and would have to fill out an application and have an interview. There was a minute when I thought "bait and switch!!!" and there have been many minutes when I have thought "I'll see how tonight goes and then decide if I'll go on" but now there's this momentum that is part my wanting to serve, and part my wanting to finish where I started, and partly my wondering what God is calling me to through this.
7) Again, my Lent is a bit of a wash. I had given up rolling my eyes, and have found that as it turns out, I don't roll them all that much. So far, I've not stopped myself from doing it, but I am more aware. I had also given up Bejeweled Blitz, which I'm finding surprisingly hard, and had decided to start walking to daily Mass in the mornings, as I've done in Lents past. But Mass on that first Thursday was too hard for me spiritually, being all DNOTS-ing and all, and my schedule has been crazy. I think the other problem is I'm leading (and reading) a Gospel of Mark BS (that's Bible Study! Come on!) and Mark is all, "the sabbath is for humans, not the other way around" and love over law and all that. Mark always derails my Lents. In all seriousness, I'm doing some serious exploration of the idea of suffering, and what it's about, and that makes it tricky to volunteer for it.

See, now that I'm not in school anymore I can't write enough. Thanks for your patience and good wishes (on Facebook) and all that. And no, I'm pretty sure I won't be going for a PhD. Wouldn't that be a hoot though? Ha!

Summer School (and the award for using the word "stuff" too many times in a blog post goes to...)

So I've been taking a summer class, Ecclesiology, with Fr. Michael Himes. It's fascinating, and he has a fascinating take on the subject. I overheard him tell someone today that he rewrites his lectures every time he teaches the course, so as not to bore anyone. But he has the kind of mind that's so full of stuff that I imagine it's a pretty consistent narrative, year to year. Today I was imagining his brain, just full, and how if he donated it to science at some point, they would be amazed at the theology and Church history and world history and music history (!) he has crammed in there. I know, you can't see that by looking at a dead brain- but this class involves getting up really early in the morning and so I can't be responsible for the kind of daydreaming I do before noon, on little sleep.
Anyway, it's a great class. He started at the beginning of the Church, and has pulled us along through history since then, and we're just getting to the point where he's wicked excited about what he's teaching (not that he hasn't been having fun teaching up till then. He loves this stuff! I love a teacher who loves what he's teaching) and that means Mohler, and Vatican II. We did Schleiermacher, whose reading was impossible, but the prof. made sense of it and even made it sound like fascinating stuff! He's making my head spin in a way that makes me look forward to writing my final, just so I can work out the questions. Good stuff.
This is my first and only Summer course at the school, and it's been an interesting experience- the Summer Institute is populated by people who come from far away and spend the summer studying and sightseeing and making friends. Half of my class seems to be from Australia. We don't get to comment much in this class, but I love listening to them chat with each other at break, and love how they say "MONING" to everyone that comes in the room before class. Being mildly introverted, I don't really mix with them, but do chat when chatted with, and I know some people from the academic-year programs. It's friendly enough, and I'm enjoying it. But sheesh I'm TIRED! I have made it on time every day so far (knock wood) but somehow I never remember to go to bed early to make up for the early rising. I'll get the hang of it by Friday, and then it'll be over. The worst part is that the dense reading and early rising make for nappy afternoons, and I've got a lot to do.
Soon I'll have lots of ecclesiological thoughts to share, but for now, it's back to the books.

Random Thoughts

January is so much better than December (I never thought I'd say that)! Welcome back Scrubs, LOST (they have to go BACK!) and first-run How I Met Your Mother's!

Don't cha just hate that when you go out to clear the snow off your car, you start the engine and crank the heat, and then when you get in you're all overheated from the snow-removal workout? It's so HOT in there!!!

I'm feeling so much better. I did remove the tapes, all the tapes in one brave moment. I think things heal better without them, actually. Today I went in to the surgeon's office, I was having (as Scott calls it) an "issue." The doc found and removed two big dissolving (yet, undissolved) stitches. But I can ride in the car without hugging myself, and wear pullover shirts, and SLEEP ON MY SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDES. It's heaven. Thank you January!

It's mid-Winter! Every day Spring comes a little closer. Lent will be here BEFORE WE KNOW IT, seriously!! And I can tell Lent is gonna be good this year.

I'm taking two classes this Semester, which, can I just say, starts on a HOLIDAY. Heckuva start! And, this semester is generously funded by the Luce Foundation. Thank you Luces!! I'm taking Christology with a Weston professor, who I hear is handsome! My other class is The Adult Learner in a Postmodern World, with my fave professor (of all the two I've had so far). I'm looking forward to this semester...

...and by the time the Semester's over, it'll be late SPRING! How about that??

last-minute-ness

I'm at school, cramming and waiting for my last oral exam, which is not for another half hour. I have a tendency to run toward the things I most dread, and that means showing up early for things like exams and job interviews, etc. I guess it's an effort to get things over with but of course, showing up early does not do that- it only serves to prolong the agony. But hey, it's what I do. I had my other exam yesterday and the prof. said I did well, although it's a little hard to tell in the thick of things. I felt good going in, and felt good to have it done. Today's is a little different because it's only two questions, one of which I choose- and then I get back the monster paper that I fumbled through a few weeks back. I am really looking forward to this being done.
After this is all settled, I have to rush back to work and finish all the stuff that I would have done at a more leisurely pace over the next week or so, then home to pack and get ready for the hospital. Oddly, the surgery brings with it the promise of days and days of nothing but rest, and I find myself looking forward to that with happy thoughts of napping and not being allowed to lift anything. I'm missing a big and potentially great weekend at work but I think that is really highlighting how much of a rest I'm really going to be getting. Not just a rest after surgery but a rest from a crazy few days of running at full speed. I'll be jealous when Scott goes off to work on Friday, though, either way, because the craziness of this parish is happy craziness, and I love it.
So, if you've any spare prayer time, please slide me in there, and thanks to all who are already offering prayers. I'm praying especially for my surgeon! Hope she's having a GREAT day tomorrow!

early graduation

Augh I'm frustrated. I'm nearing the end of my first semester of grad school and wanting it to be my last. Mostly, the trouble is that we just can't afford this. It's a big chunk of money on top of all our already-bills, and let's face it, a bad investment. It won't lead to a higher income when I'm done, and I've pretty much hit the ceiling for advancement in the Archdiocese o'Boston. Basically, it's a very very expensive hobby. I've gotten great help from the college, and from my pastor, but our budget really doesn't have any wiggle room, at all.
So, maybe it would be worth the added time and stress that it undoubtedly has added to my life, if it were flat-out free. But it's so. Not.
It's not final, the final-ness, but we'll see what happens from here... in the meantime I've got a stupid paper to finish. Ugh- I'm paying to write papers!!!

so, how'd you do on your paper?

So.... I got to class today after already being at school for a couple of hours- I went in for the noon Mass and then had lunch with the other TCC students. There are only 5 of us- an elite group. The discussion was about how to get more people to come and do this program, but all I could think was that I don't particularly want the grant money that is now only divided between us 5 to be doled out to anyone else.
Anyway, at class, our professor started by announcing that the papers were fine first papers. She told us that a C+ is a passing grade and getting that grade should not discourage anyone, that their comments (hers and the Teaching Assistant's) were meant to help us develop the writing skills we'd need. She said they'd be giving feedback even if we got an A- (which would be an outstanding grade for a paper in this class).
Then, two hours and fifteen minutes of class.
Then, she handed out the papers. I grabbed mine and ran, it had no marks on the front page really but I could see the word "good" written twice on the second page- encouraging! I flipped over to page three for the grade...
A-!!! How about that?? I'm pretty excited. Now I have another paper to write, for tomorrow's class. I hope it goes as well. But in the meantime, Woo! A Minus!!! WOOOO!!!

Graduate level anxiety. In Georgia.

Oh gosh. My first two papers in... well, many years. They're little ones, three-pagers, and double-spaced (I forgot about double spacing, I probably would have gone back to school years ago if I'd remembered about double spacing... what a difference that makes in filling a page!) so the writing part isn't the hard part so much as the details of paper-writing. I can't remember the details.
Do I indent at every paragraph? Do I staple the pages? Number them? Am I plagiarizing and not even knowing that I'm doing it? What size font?
My first paper is for a professor who gave us two options of what to tackle. About a page on comprehension, about a page on analysis, and about a page on "good constructive thinking." She gave us a list of expectations and directions, really- a list- which we all furiously tried to scribble in our notes, then sent us off with these words "but don't stress about this!" We laughed.
I just spent a bit of time googling for help on these questions. I found an article by a grad student whose grades improved when she switched from Times New Roman to the Georgia font. Just to be sure I checked the Chronicle of Higher Education forums for a discussion there- they all mentioned both those fonts and I felt encouraged by their comments about Georgia, so I went ahead and changed mine over- which meant having to fiddle with the type size to fit it into three pages (exactly, as it turned out!), but they seemed pretty much equal, all things considered.
So, whether it's done right or wrong, one paper's done and one's still yet to be written. Wish me luck!

Big Girl School (two new posts)

It's been 17 years since I wrote my last paper. Yeesh.
Yesterday I went to the open house at the Boston College Masters program (the IREPM, soon to be the BCSTM... That is, Institute of Religious Education and Pastoral Ministry, soon to become the Boston College School of Theology and Ministry. I hope I got that right...)
Anyhoo, they have a MEd in Religious Education with a concentration in Total Community Catechesis. Doesn't that sound impressive? It's exactly what I'm interested in, believe that or not. And the bonus is, they have a bunch of grant money for this particular concentration, so it's all good news for the prospective student that I am.
I attended a two hour class on Theology and Spirituality of the Body, and learned a lot. I learned about the topic but I also learned a lot about the kinds of students that take such a class. I knew one person there (an actual student), and got to pepper her with questions during the break, which was helpful. I couldn't help but check out the other virtual students, and wonder if Mister Overcompensator (with the wicked knowledgeable braggy answers to prove his brilliance) and Miss MmmmmhmmmmYes!! (She would nod and smile at the professor's points, agreeing and relating personally to each utterance) would be in my future classes. I looked around to see how many people used laptops to take their notes (two) and who wrote theirs (everyone else)- who wore jeans (about a third of the students, which to me says it's O-Kay) and who brought coffee in a travel mug (a couple of people). I took four pages of notes, reviving my rusty note-taking skills, and understood what the prof. was saying, which I took as a good sign.
We went to Mass, which was truly Jesuit. Nice, and interesting, but definitely different from yer average diocesan type.
After lunch we had a Q&A panel discussion, where I got the goods on the TCC program's financial aid goodness, and got a few more questions answered. Oh and found out that Miss MmmmYes will be in another concentration. Good news!
So now it's a matter of applying myself. Literally. Gotta fill out the application. It's been 21 years since I've filled out a college application!