And Now We Are Catless

It's a strange feeling to take a cat to the vet, and then come home without her. Of course, we did bring her home, but not really her. Of course, she hadn't been herself for a while. But still, just like we did three months ago, we loved her and cried on her, loaded her into the crate, and took her, tearily, to the vet- the lovely vet who helped us help her. Since Pip's trip to the vet was so recent,  it was a familiar process- we knew what decisions we had to make, and how to make them. We pre-knew our preferences. Blessedly, it was smooth and peaceful, and we brought Zarley home and buried her next to Pip, under the rhododendron bush.
When we were finished, we ritually started to strip and clean the house. We threw away the litter box, gathered up all the random water bowls that were scattered around the house. We disassembled the steps that our old girls had needed to get up on the bed in their later years, and pulled out the scratching post and bed and various other things. It felt cathartic, to me- not because I wanted all traces of Zarley to be gone, but because it felt right to address the truth that the cats were here, and now things have changed- now they are not here.
But the weirdest thing of it all is not... I don't know. Considering? Taking care? Worrying? Scott vacuumed and I didn't have to worry about the cat being afraid of the machine. I mixed up some tuna and didn't have to worry about cats circling my feet and crying for the juice. We went in and out of the house without having to worry about Zarley slipping out. Zarley was a little "special" and was the neediest, loviest cat ever. She followed me constantly, would pace back and forth while I puttered in the kitchen, begging to be held like a baby. She would pounce onto me if I took too long to pick her up. Now I can walk and putter unfettered.
You know me and my heretical faith, refusing to see a divinely-intended point in suffering. But I do think that if we are paying attention, we can develop empathy from our relatively small suffering, for all those who are suffering greatly. Putting Zarley's things away and facing a catless future makes me ache for people who pack up a child's things, or a husband's. It pricks at my undercurrent of fear of the day when I come home without Scott, or he comes home without me. I can't can't can't imagine.
For now we clean up and carry on and feel this sorrow, and hope never to feel any sorrow worse.

The End of the Beginning

Zarley and her Lion friend, surveying the yard

When we got home from California, it was after 2:00AM. Zarley was fast asleep and when we woke her to greet her, she was stunned and groggy, and didn't really warm up to us for a while, which is unusual for her. We brought her to our bedroom, put her on the bed and she didn't move, just sort of hovered there not standing, not sitting, blinking. Finally, I put her back on the couch in the living room, where she'd been found, and went to bed. She looks skinnier than she did (to my memory anyway) a week ago. We weighed her this morning and she's a wee 5 pounds. At some point, she rejoined us in her usual spot in bed, and today she's a bit more back in the usual swing of things. Last night, after putting her back to reset herself, I lay in bed and suddenly had tears in my eyes, remembering how little time we have with her, remembering how deeply sad it was to lose Pip and how much I miss her, and mourning this soon-to-be-totally-over part of my life, the part with two cats in the yard. I felt guilty about leaving her for this week, but she was visited by loving friends and family, who all reported her to be purring and eating and drinking, so that was a relief. I guess now we just wait, and watch, and snuggle as much as time will let us.

7 Quick Takes, Long and Random Edition.

What? So it's not Friday. Let's agree to overlook this detail.

1) So, I passed my defense and I'm officially done with grad school! As of graduation day, I'll have a Masters of Education in Religious Education with a Concentration in Total Community Catechesis. Or, an MEd in RE with TCC, for short. I'm pretty psyched to be done, and yes, proud that I did this. No one at my high school graduation would ever have imagined I'd end up with this many letters, including myself. I only went to college by the hair on my chinny chin chin. Still, I did a pretty decent job there and here I am today, all mastered up.
2) I'm in a dark night of the soul, and deep. I don't think the word "night" quite covers it, it's been a while and something I've suffered through in varying degrees at different times. At the end of this month I'm heading off on a silent retreat (directed, blessedly, by my own spiritual director, who is both a saint AND an angel) and I have to tell you, the impending silence is a little scary. I imagine I'll have to do a lot of listening for God's voice, and that'll be a change, considering my prayer life with God is more like this, with Dr. Evil as me, and Scott as God:

Still, I know it's time to face up to God and what the heck God wants for and of me. As nervous as I am about the retreat, I also feel like it's an island I'm swimming toward.
3) Meanwhile, our cats are dying. Our oldest, Zarley, is 18 and in renal failure but rebounding nicely, for some unknown reason- my best guess is that she is too... "special..." to die. Zarley's always had issues, but she's a love. Pip, who's 16 or 17 now, is sicker, more suddenly, with renal failure. We know we're in our last months with them, and it's so weirdly shocking to think of life without them. We've been together nearly half my life now, and they've seen me through a lifetime roller coaster of emotions. We want to be good to them and responsible, and we're hoping it'll be a peaceful process and that when the time comes, we'll know what to do. In the meantime, we have an IV bag hanging from the pot rack in our kitchen and a baggy full of needles so that Scott can heroically give Pip fluids subcutaneously every few days. He is my hero and a wonderful kitty-daddy. I know, I know.
4) And meanwhile, I've started training to be a Hospice vigil volunteer. We'll eventually be on call to sit with people in their last hours/minutes, if they don't have anyone to sit with them as they die, or to be there if the family can't be. I'm honored and intrigued to be part of this organization and process. The first week, we heard about the dying process and Hospice's philosophy and mission, and the second week, we heard from a nurse about infectious diseases we might catch. I learned that you should never put your pocketbook down on a soft surface in someone's home, and that you can catch Hepatitis from sushi. Still, I'd rather die from a sushi-related disease than go without it for the rest of my life.
5) In order to be a vigil volunteer, we first have to be direct care volunteers for six months, regularly visiting with people who have less than 6 months to live. Honestly this sounds much more foreboding than being with an actively dying person. How's that for introversion???
6) So now I am on the other side of the volunteering process, and I'm learning a lot about what it's like to be the one volunteering instead of the one looking for volunteers. I really feel called to this volunteer work, for whatever reason. At the first information meeting, they let us know we'd need 9 weeks of training, plus six months of volunteering, plus some more training, and TB testing, and would have to fill out an application and have an interview. There was a minute when I thought "bait and switch!!!" and there have been many minutes when I have thought "I'll see how tonight goes and then decide if I'll go on" but now there's this momentum that is part my wanting to serve, and part my wanting to finish where I started, and partly my wondering what God is calling me to through this.
7) Again, my Lent is a bit of a wash. I had given up rolling my eyes, and have found that as it turns out, I don't roll them all that much. So far, I've not stopped myself from doing it, but I am more aware. I had also given up Bejeweled Blitz, which I'm finding surprisingly hard, and had decided to start walking to daily Mass in the mornings, as I've done in Lents past. But Mass on that first Thursday was too hard for me spiritually, being all DNOTS-ing and all, and my schedule has been crazy. I think the other problem is I'm leading (and reading) a Gospel of Mark BS (that's Bible Study! Come on!) and Mark is all, "the sabbath is for humans, not the other way around" and love over law and all that. Mark always derails my Lents. In all seriousness, I'm doing some serious exploration of the idea of suffering, and what it's about, and that makes it tricky to volunteer for it.

See, now that I'm not in school anymore I can't write enough. Thanks for your patience and good wishes (on Facebook) and all that. And no, I'm pretty sure I won't be going for a PhD. Wouldn't that be a hoot though? Ha!

Two Unrelated Thoughts (and that's it for the day)

It occurred to me this morning that the older I get, and the more I learn, the more easily I can see the connective tissue between things that happen in life. I had lots of good examples of what I mean by this, back when I was thinking about it in the shower, but now the one that is crowding my brain is this; how we effect people beyond anything we can understand, without ever knowing.
I heard once that Charles Darwin once heard the screams of a slave being beaten, and because of that, was inspired to research the sameness between all people, to work against racism, to change all of history. How about that, huh? Without ever knowing it, the suffering this one woman experienced echoed in the heart of a man who changed so much, for everyone, across time. She never knew it! That's what blows my mind.

On another topic, my cats are getting old. Zarley, the oldest one, has always been a little "special" but now she's special and old. For the past few months, she hasn't totally been able to recognize Pip, her only child and lifelong (Pip's life-long) roommate. Now every time she catches sight of Pip she growls and hisses. Pip hisses back, because who wouldn't?
Zarley needs periodic snuggles. She stands on the ironing board in the kitchen, and while I walk around, she yells at us and waves her paw at me, and paces back and forth, and yells and yells until I stop and turn to her. She then practically (for a 16 year old cat) leaps into my arms and snuggles against my shoulder. After a few minutes, she's satisfied and I can put her down and she'll settle into a nap. But she needs that snuggle.
Sometimes, especially in the kitchen, I'm busy! I'm cooking or cleaning or doing homework or some such thing, and I don't have time to stop, but she yells and yells and I can't not stop and give her a snuggle. I'm always glad I did, because a snuggle is always as good for me as it is for Zarley.
I think my relationship with God is similar. I often don't stop and turn to God until He waves his paw at me and yells and yells and yells. When I do finally turn to Him, it's so good for me. I don't know if God needs time with me like Zarley does, but He knows I need time with Him.

That's it for deep thinking for me today. I'm going to spend the rest of the night making meatloaf, peanut-butter popcorn, and snuggling. Perfection.

7 Quick Takes: First-Timer Edition

Okay fine. FINE I'll succumb to the temptation and deny the trepidation and join the ranks of the 7-Quick-Takers. So.











One:
We are in the midst of our annual fly infestation. It is embarrassing to admit but I don't think it's our fault... that is, I don't know if I even want to know what causes it, or where it comes from. But the thing is, come it does, every year around this time. It starts this way: we'll notice one evening when a light has been left on in the kitchen that there is a big dumb fly buzzing around. So we'll take out our awesome (I know, but it is!) fly swatter and kill it, and then there will be another one, so we'll kill that one, and on and on it goes. Or, we'll kill one, go watch a tv show, come back to find 7 flies. It can really give one the creeps, and remind one of a horror movie.

Two: (am i doing this right?)
Kristen left yesterday, my church-friend-who-became-a-top-ten-friend... she and her husband Chip left for what they call "home" however much we would have preferred to call HERE home. I guess everyone's entitled to decide where home is, but... harumph. Anyway, I decided to be adult and rational about it all and not cry, and I totally pulled it off until she drove away and I was instantly transported back in time to all the good-byes with all the friends I had in elementary school and high school who moved away. It happened to us a lot more than the average kid, I imagine, because we lived in a Navy Town. Still, it's so much easier to keep in touch nowadays, it's not going to be like it was then. Dammit.

Three:
I promised myself three things this Summer: 1) that I would stop buying medium Iced Coffees at Dunkin Donuts, and only buy smalls, because really, I only need smalls. 2) that I would write my book ("Confirmation Doesn't Have To Suck"), and 3) that I would finally read Hitchhiker's Guide the Galaxy. So far, I'm 98% on the smalls, and I bought and started HHG the other night (it's good! I read it with a British accent... is that normal?) but so far, I'm still in the "pre-writing" stage of my book.

Four:
I got asked!! I was at the pet-store looking for soft cat food* and a woman said to me "so, why are you Catholic?" I have had this blue pin on my pocketbook since the Springtime. I've worn it clear across country and to a Catholic conference, and this is the first time a stranger has asked me the question. I thanked her for asking, and said my prepared statement: "I'm Catholic because I was brought into the Church by my family- but I'm still Catholic because I really believe God wants me to be..." I was ready to go on, but she jumped in to tell me her story- that she'd been baptized Catholic but has fallen away- her kids FOUGHT her on CCD- she's been praying a lot lately and it's changing her perspective on things, making her more thoughtful- she feels lost in Mass a lot. I confess that I recommended our parish, but didn't admit that I work there- is that wrong? But what I really realized in this conversation is that people who would ask that question want to tell their own stories too. I have a lot to think about...

Five:
I'm going to dinner at a friend's house tomorrow night, and I'm in charge of an appetizer. I am stumped. I keep coming back to things in puff pastry, because it's so easy and impressive looking. And yummy. I just bought sunflower and sesame seeds to make non-carby, non-cracker crackers, but I can't imagine inflicting those on someone who eats carbs/real crackers... I mean, I'm sure they'll be great. But. PUFF PASTRY.

Six:
*Our cats are 15 and 16. Zarley, the oldest, has cut way back on her athletics, and doesn't try to jump up on as many things anymore. We have stools and steps all over the house for her to get up on the furniture, and water bowls in odd places- one on the bedside stand, one on the bathroom floor, one on the coffee table. Now, Pip who has not seemed to age in the past 9 years is suddenly needing a step up to the bathroom sink, which is where she prefers to drink. She used to jump up there and MEOW at me until I would come to turn on the faucet. Now she sits on the bathroom floor and MEOWs until I come in and open the shower curtain so she can jump up. I know it's wrong to pray that something will never die but I do.

Seven:
I've resisted this 7QT thing because I wasn't sure if using another "meme" to blog with (along with the Simple Woman's Daybook) was cheating, or if my reader(s) would think so. Plus, it's kind of a lot of pressure to come up with seven things! In fact, I had written for #4 "oh crap, I have nothing left. Now what?" but happily thought of something and went back. I guess this is an Every Friday kind of thing, and that's a big commitment for one such as I, but I guess I'll give it a go. You can read a TON of 7QT-ers over at www.conversiondiary.com.

We'll pack tomorrow

Now how am I supposed to pack the car for camping??

vaca views

Here are some shots of the vacation-doings up here on the hill, for your viewing enjoyment
and perhaps, jealousy...

my neighbor's peonies, in full bloom!

Pip is vacationing too- but who can tell?














this little guy paid us a visit today, chirping loudly and choosing a dangerous spot in the
middle of the road, before finding a nice safe spot in the yard. He disappeared before noon,
and I'm going to assume he learned to fly and headed home safely and without incident.














Tomorrow we're off on a little weekend camping trip to Maine. Then back for more relaxing! Happy weekend, everyone!

cat actress

So, Zarley has this trick- her favorite toy is a length of wire with old pieces of Christmas ribbon attached at each end. We call it her "woobie". She scoots into the loop so that the wire hangs over her back and wraps itself around her, and she walks with it, jumps up onto things with it still hanging on her, and generally loves it. In her younger, more energetic years, she would grab one of the ribbon-ends, start to walk with it, and then pretend to spy the other end "following" her. She'd spin around to catch the other ribbon, pure joy.
I've always wanted to catch her on video doing this, because I've never known another cat with a wire best friend. I've tried a million times but she is a very unwilling performer. Here's my latest try:

Wheeeeeeere's kitty?

Monty Python - Confuse-A-Cat Ltd.

If the Feliway doesn't work, I may have to hire these people. Recommended by my same "happy vet"... I'm starting to wonder about her!

Befores

Two big events in our household today.... the perm appointment and the Feliway came in the mail!!! So for future reference, here are some before photos:

Happy Cat Pheromones

As I have recently explained to my "happy vet" commenter (aka oldest friend!) the other day, my cats have not completely healed from their craziness. At various points they are happy and cuddly, as in:














But as night falls, they lose their little kitty minds again, thusly:

















So yesterday she sent me an email suggesting I try something called Feliway
Note that it says there at the site "Feliway is an synthetic analogue of the feline facial pheromone which reproduces the familiarization properties normally produced by a cat when it deposits its own facial pheromones in the environment."
I did an amazing amount of research in a short time- and ordered it from Amazon, where the page was full of glowing, raving praise for the product.
It should be here Saturday or so, and I shall keep you, gentle readers, posted.

Check out this article

It's on "redirected aggression in cats"... see, it happens! http://www.kingstownecatclinic.com/Redirected%20Aggression.htm

The day we moved into our last apartment, our older cat turned on our younger cat. She was vicious, and attacked her over and over again, for months. It just so happened that the younger cat was very sick at the time, and ultimately needed to be operated on for a blockage in her intestines. It was an awful time, especially when the younger one was sick, and it eventually died down quite a bit but never totally, for a whole year- until we moved to this apartment. The first day we came here and opened their crates they greeted each other like old friends, and have been lovey little kitty buddies since then...until Friday... and hopefully again soon.