Cupdate

Get it? Cupdate?
I went back to the surgeon today to have some little problems addressed. Apparently my body doesn't like the idea of dissolving dissolvable stitches, and instead pushes them out through my skin. It's not a painful thing, but it is a bit disconcerting.
I have been thinking about how much I've healed in the past two months, how far I've come. Like they say about childbirth, the pain is a distant, hazy memory- I remember that it hurt, but can't really locate that experience in my mind. I do remember being miserable and discouraged, but those feelings seem long-ago and far-away too. My friend told me that one day I'd realize that I hadn't noticed my incisions all day, and that day has practically come now. I can lay on my belly at night and jog up the stairs at work without any kind of agony.
So, would I recommend this surgery to someone else? Yeah, I think I would. I don't think I'm one of those surgery cheerleaders who brag about how great they feel. Yet. But I think that day might come. One thing's for sure, I notice EVERYONE'S chest now. I find myself thinking "hey that girl could use a breast reduction (or two)."

This one's for the Ladieeeees!

Did you know they don't make mini pads anymore? It used to be Maxi, Mini, Pantiliner. Now there's Maxi, Thin (or ULTRAthin) Maxi, and Pantiliner.
Also, did you know that pads (at whatever thickness) make excellent wound dressings? It's true. I am not making that up, people use them for that. How about that!

Random Thoughts

January is so much better than December (I never thought I'd say that)! Welcome back Scrubs, LOST (they have to go BACK!) and first-run How I Met Your Mother's!

Don't cha just hate that when you go out to clear the snow off your car, you start the engine and crank the heat, and then when you get in you're all overheated from the snow-removal workout? It's so HOT in there!!!

I'm feeling so much better. I did remove the tapes, all the tapes in one brave moment. I think things heal better without them, actually. Today I went in to the surgeon's office, I was having (as Scott calls it) an "issue." The doc found and removed two big dissolving (yet, undissolved) stitches. But I can ride in the car without hugging myself, and wear pullover shirts, and SLEEP ON MY SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDES. It's heaven. Thank you January!

It's mid-Winter! Every day Spring comes a little closer. Lent will be here BEFORE WE KNOW IT, seriously!! And I can tell Lent is gonna be good this year.

I'm taking two classes this Semester, which, can I just say, starts on a HOLIDAY. Heckuva start! And, this semester is generously funded by the Luce Foundation. Thank you Luces!! I'm taking Christology with a Weston professor, who I hear is handsome! My other class is The Adult Learner in a Postmodern World, with my fave professor (of all the two I've had so far). I'm looking forward to this semester...

...and by the time the Semester's over, it'll be late SPRING! How about that??

slowly I peel- inch by inch, tape by tape...

I am in a deadlocked battle with surgical tape. At my post-op, they took off the steri-strips that has been applied after the surgery, and replaced them with wide, brown surgical tape. They told me I could take them off in a week, which was a week ago. I was so not ready for that a week ago, and now I'm in a standoff.
I googled "remove surgical tape" and found that I'm not alone- a lot of post-oppers engage in this battle, reluctant to pull off the tapes because 1) they worry it'll pull their incisions open, and 2) because they'll have to look at the scars full-on for the first time, and forever. I can relate to both of those fears! Many people talked about their tape as "security blankets."
So, a lot of people recommended just leaving them on, until they fall off- or clipping off the ends as they come loose. I want to be ready, I want to believe that everything's lovely under there, I want to move on to the next phase of healing, but I like the incremental option. I am the girl that edges into the pool, allowing each inch to warm up and acclimate to the water before moving on... until I get about hip-deep, then I plunge. I imagine this process will be similar for me.

starting fresh

All the blogs I read about this surgery always seem to stop after a couple of weeks, which is frustrating because that was exactly what I wanted to know about- how does the recovery go? What stages are there? Does the feeling-better happen incrementally, or all-at-once overnight? My guess is that the blogging stops because things start to get better quickly and there's less to kvetch about. So, good news!
I am feeling better, and happier, and more confident about being out in the world- I can drive again, and wear more regular clothing, and stuff like that. But there is still some soreness and this new experience that they call "zingers" which has something to do with the nerves reconnecting or firing off or something, ultimately it is a YOUCH kind of pain, gone in a second but leaving an impression!
So I'm edging back toward normalcy, and January looms large- lovely January where all things begin again, fresh starts and new opportunities, great promise ahead. This year's theme, "transformation in 2008-tion" will be done (and done well, thank you very much, and a new theme is needed. Hmmm. Scott and I have been toying with "yours and mine, lookin' fine in 2009" but I don't know yet. I'll keep you posted.

back to real life

I'm just back from the post-op appointment. They took out some stitches and removed and then reapplied some tape and dressings. The discomfort is so much psychological that it's almost hard to determine what is pain and what is panic. The doctors are so breezy and positive that it feels a little like I'm doing it wrong. But, all in all everything looks good and the healing is coming along fine and I'm glad. I'm cleared to go back to work Sunday, and cleared to do a bunch of other stuff too, as soon as I feel ready.
I can't believe it's been a week and how much has changed in that time. It feels impossible to me that I'll be driving again soon, and that everything will go back to normal in my life. I made an appointment with the surgeon for 4 months from now, which is APRIL, for the next follow-up. For some reason, April being four months away blows my mind.
While I was waiting for the doctor to come in today, I was remembering the 6th grade when I broke my nose (I was eating a twinkie, jumping from boulder to boulder in a rest area when I tripped and fell face-first into the next boulder). I was remembering, specifically, being back in school a couple of weeks later- still looking bruised and bumped but feeling just fine- I remember catching the eye of some other kid in class and mashing my nose with my finger- it looked like it should still be very painful but felt fine. The kid cringed and told me to quit it!! I thought about that moment today and thought that maybe soon everything will feel fine.
So, soon I'll be back in action, deterring hugs and sitting up straight!

sevennnn

So I just got out of the shower, and I'm completely exhausted. Now I'm back in my familiar chair in front of the tv, trying to decide what to do next.
Tomorrow's my post-op appointment, and I imagine they'll be telling me I can go back out into the world, back to work, etc... in a lot of ways I feel really ready to leave this house, to help out around here, etc... but in some ways I'm not. But I'm trying to have a good attitude and feel optimistic. Today I got an edible arrangement from the staff at church, and a couple of cards, which seems so weird since I opted into this surgery... but so sweet. One of the cards is from a friend of my mother's, who I have met only once or twice. She wrote "your Mom told me you had an operation. You did something I wish I could have had courage to do years ago but never did. I congratulate you." How about that??
So I'm going to take it easy on myself today. No guilt at how messy the kitchen is, no wistful wishes to go out and play in the snow, just one more day of R&R, and a lot of fruit.

What is this, day 6? Yes! Day 6...

Scott has very sweetly come down with a nasty cold, and that means I've had some company yesterday and today. He's very generous. Having him home makes the days go so much faster, and much more pleasant. I'm feeling like I want to get up and do more stuff, but there's not much I'm allowed to do, like lift anything. This seriously limits the kind of activity I can attempt. But also, today I feel weirdly lightheaded and super-super sensitive, at my surgical... locations. So I'm sidelined either way. I guess it'll give me time to do some of the psychological work of healing. I'm starting to feel lazy and wonder if I'm doing this recovery thing right, but I guess there's no real way to measure. Really, though, it seems like every day I'm kept from doing anything more than tv-watching by some quirkiness- blurry vision from a medicine, light-headedness, overwhelming sleepiness... I'm being very very un-productive, and starting to worry about how near Christmas is, suddenly... yikes.
Last night I found the perfect position for sleeping on the loveseat and it was snooza-heaven. I miss sleeping with Scott, though. I'm not sure how much longer this will have to happen- my post-op appointment is this Thursday so hopefully I'll have some solid answers by then.
Going back to work feels very scary for me, as does going out in public, riding in a car, going to Maine for Christmas, going to a wedding, going to New Year's Eve parties, going shopping. It's very frightening stuff for me right now. I hate having fear in my life, I hate to be afraid, it's not my style. I'm looking forward to a time coming where I can feel less afraid. I am thinking dreamily of January, when everything will be different; new classes, Scrubs and LOST back on tv, I'll be much more healed, tax returns coming... it seems like it'll be so nice. Oh, and new things to blog about, beside my body. January. Jannnnnnuarrrrryyyyyyyyy.....

day 5

Yesterday was a long day, and I was feeling very discouraged- friends called but I didn't pick up the phone because I couldn't think about what I could say to them outside of "this sucks!!!" I woke up feeling more swollen and sore than I had the day before, and had a long day of missing Scott and missing a great day at the parish. It's a great problem to be working at a parish where I'm sad to miss a Sunday, but still, yesterday it was added pain.
So I spent the day praying that time would pass quickly, and trying to sleep. The night before had been impossible, with my right leg going numb and waking me up every half hour or so. I finally moved to the love seat, despite the added danger of a pounce-upon by the cats, and had lovely naps throughout the day.
When Scott got home, he was sporting a sore throat, but he sweetly held onto me while I fell apart, feeling ugly and discouraged. We both slept on the couches in the living room, and I woke today praising God for a full night's sleep. Today Scott's staying home to fight off his own cold and I'm thrilled to have a whole day with him, sick or not. Today I'm going to be a brave soldier. Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum.

day 4 misery

Rough night last night- I'm still sleeping propped up, because I'm supposed to- but also because it's the best position from which to fend off affectionate advances from the cats. But my rear end is seriously suffering from this constant position, with numbness and discomfort constantly waking me up. It's frustrating because I'm sooooo tired, and know that if I could just get to sleep, I'd sleep a heavenly, refreshing sleep.
So I'm starting day four in a cranky, overtired state of mind. I need all this to happen much, much more quickly.

The hostess with the least-est

It's an odd sensation to have company when I'm in recovery mode. My hostess instincts scream "oh I'll get that for you" and "wouldn't you like something to drink?" but of course no one wants me to do anything for them, and in fact wants to get whatever I want, for me. So while I'm soaking up everyone's generosity I'm fighting an urge to feel like a lousy host.
I was sick to my stomach all morning, I think because I took medicine in the middle of the night on an empty stomach. It took me until early afternoon to get myself back on track with food and meds, and I was not a fun person to hang around with, alternately pasty and groggy. NOT my shiny, bubbly self. When they all sat down to eat lunch in the dining room, I stayed in the living room with my toast and tried to talk myself into feeling better while eavesdropping on the conversation.
But it was so nice to have people here, and I am getting into the flow of this spiritual exercise in humility. I couldn't bring myself to shower today, I completely chickened out, so Scott offered to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. It felt like pure, pure love. Afterward he combed it out gently and kissed me on the forehead, and I felt overwhelmingly lucky.
I'm trying to relax and not fret about how un-fun this process is, hoping that I feel better every day and that the days pass quickly. If I could blink my eyes and make it suddenly next Thursday, that would make me very happy. But, I'm feeling impressed with myself that I actually did this- and hopeful for the future, whenever it gets here. So, I'll try to sleep and rest as much as I can and be positive and see how things change day by day.

day 3

Today my parents are coming to visit, and Scott has to go back in to work, and most importantly in my head, today is the day I'm supposed to be able to take a shower. I'm irrationally scared about this. I've been searching the websites and blogs for some hint as to how awful this is going to feel, but no one really says anything about it, which should convince me that it's nothing to speak (or type) of. But still. I woke up trying to be all brave soldier-y but I didn't end up believing the act, so I'm just going to take it slow. I look pretty hideous, and any visitors will just have to deal with that for now.
Time for a nap.

Don't read if you don't want to know!

So here is my schedule for the next few days, if all goes as it did today: wake up, take pain medicine, have a bite to eat or watch some tv, fall asleep. Wake up four hours later, take more pain pills, repeat, repeat. It's not fun, not at all. Well, the sleep is good, but the pain- that stinks. It basically comes and goes, and varies between two painful types of pain- the achy pain, and the sore pain. The weirdest thing is when I get goosebumps or something like that, woooOOOooo. My sides and arms are sore, and all of me is a little wambly. I'm not allowed to bend over, or reach, or lift anything. I changed my dressings today and everything looks really hideous, but promising. :)
The hospital people were lovely and I had a comfy bed and everything I needed. They had a tough time getting my IV in but were very apologetic. I had "socks" on my lower legs that inflated and deflated over and over and over until I couldn't take it any more. The best part of my whole night in the hospital was when they took off those socks and the IV, and gave me some graham crackers and ginger ale, to boot.
I was nervous to come home, mostly about the cats and how I was going to sleep- but the cats have been pretty good, or at least easily averted, and Scott and my brother erected a big setup of pillows that kept me propped up for the evening.
Tonight I'm home alone doing my 4 hour routine and doing okay. I feel very prayed-for, and thankful, and also just... surprised that I did this! I've been talking about it for years, and I'm really amazed at myself for going ahead and getting it done. I can't wait for the time to tick by and let me be in less pain, and start to see the changes, and get back to the life I love. I've been thinking about how great January is going to be- Christmas will be over with, my pain should be much less, I'll be starting new classes, and not least- LOST and Scrubs will come back. Happy New Year!!!

last-minute-ness

I'm at school, cramming and waiting for my last oral exam, which is not for another half hour. I have a tendency to run toward the things I most dread, and that means showing up early for things like exams and job interviews, etc. I guess it's an effort to get things over with but of course, showing up early does not do that- it only serves to prolong the agony. But hey, it's what I do. I had my other exam yesterday and the prof. said I did well, although it's a little hard to tell in the thick of things. I felt good going in, and felt good to have it done. Today's is a little different because it's only two questions, one of which I choose- and then I get back the monster paper that I fumbled through a few weeks back. I am really looking forward to this being done.
After this is all settled, I have to rush back to work and finish all the stuff that I would have done at a more leisurely pace over the next week or so, then home to pack and get ready for the hospital. Oddly, the surgery brings with it the promise of days and days of nothing but rest, and I find myself looking forward to that with happy thoughts of napping and not being allowed to lift anything. I'm missing a big and potentially great weekend at work but I think that is really highlighting how much of a rest I'm really going to be getting. Not just a rest after surgery but a rest from a crazy few days of running at full speed. I'll be jealous when Scott goes off to work on Friday, though, either way, because the craziness of this parish is happy craziness, and I love it.
So, if you've any spare prayer time, please slide me in there, and thanks to all who are already offering prayers. I'm praying especially for my surgeon! Hope she's having a GREAT day tomorrow!