Three new posts

There is this limbo day- between when one hears the news that you're carrying a non-alive baby in ones womb, and the end of the process. Some women, I guess, choose to go ahead and pass the baby naturally- I have had that experience (although MUCH earlier in a pregnancy it was still very traumatic) and no-thank-you. The good thing about a d/c is that I know from experience that I will feel better, physically, almost instantly. That in and of itself helps with the grief side of things.
So, on the Limbo days, we distracted ourselves. Tuesday night we went to see Evan Almighty (weirdly we were handed tickets at the counter for "knocked up", but decided to go with our original choice. Couldn't a whole blog entry be written on that alone?)
Evan Almighty was good- we had heard it was going to be lousy so our expectations were helpfully low and that worked I guess, because we really enjoyed it. One great take-away was a conversation between God and Evan about prayer- I'll let you check it out on your own because I don't want to wreck it- good stuff.
MINI-SPOILER HERE:
The other was a conversation between Evan and his wife, where he is frustrated because what he thought was God's plan wasn't quite lining up to what was happening in the moment. Here he had put everything on the line to be obedient to God, and where was the promised end product? His wife told him that indeed he HAD been obedient- had done exactly what God had asked. Now he needed to go ahead and let God take over. Miscarriage is a guilty situation for me, because of my well-known and deep-seated ambivalence. But like Lauren Graham said (and my spir. director before her), I did do my job- what I was asked to do. Even if I fought God all the way through it.
S'good, and it was a good distraction for the night.
Last night we went into Boston (after a gourmet meal of hot dogs at Kelly's....mmmmm) to see Riverdance at the Schubert theater. We got to see my former assistant Pam and her family, which made me happy and sad, missing her so much, brand-newly. But the show was amazing and Scott loved it which doubled my enjoyment- it was a great way to spend the night before the surgery out doing something positive and fun together.
At home last night it was boiling hot and I was tired but couldn't sleep. Scott and I are good at taking care of each other, and loving each other (i don't mean in this case, in a dirty way...) and we hunkered down for the night to keep cool and wait for morning.

okay, so maybe you don't want to know...

Lotsa details below on the undoings of baby Morin (Matthew Christopher). I mean, I did leave stuff out, some, so maybe it's not as bad as it could be- but if you're interested at all, read on. It was cathartic for me to write, because re-reading my journal entries (a paper and pen book format! Old fashioned-like!) was a very comforting guide through this time around. I am very glad I made notes about how I felt then, physically and emotionally, and look at it from this distance now. I am the kinda person who researches- I want to know what other people know and say about the things I am considering and the decisions I'm making. I have read the miscarriage sites and the questions I had weren't really answered there- so reading my own log of it has been a very, very good thing for me. Maybe not for you. You know, skim, I guess. Anywhoo...

somewhere between an olive and a lime

We heard, and then saw, no heartbeat. The ultrasound reader estimated that the baby's heart had stopped two weeks ago. This was the 11-12 week appointment, the one where everything fell apart in our first go-round, two or three years ago. In fact, the whole day was eerily familiar, withe the same failure to hear a heartbeat with the fetal heart monitor, the quick referral for an ultrasound, to ease everyone's fears. I tried to stress to everyone we met that this was a very stressful appointment for us, and wished they would just get to the damn ultrasound to see if there was any point in all the other talking we were doing- "any surgeries? smoker? any genetic abnormalities in your families? Let's get your blood pressure..........." all of which only served to raise my blood pressure. Just cut to the chase!
The appointment to hear the heartbeat was at 10, and they scheduled our ultrasound for 12:30- we went to the cafeteria to have a bite and read the ever-growing pile of information booklets and flyers and warnings about what not to eat. At 12:45 they apologized for running late and asked us to come back at 2, which blessedly meant I could empty my bladder. (they make you chug water so as to inflate your bladder, so as to lift your uterus closer to the surface for easier viewing. But, my uterus is tipped back- wayyyyy back, almost completely backward from where it's supposed to be, so I didn't exactly see the reasoning for all the hyperhydration. ) Anyway, we went to grab a starbucks and then again went back.
The ultrasound tech, a lovely girl named Shannon, was so sweet and when there was no heartbeat to see in the regular ultrasound, she said an internal one would have to be done.
I stepped out to change and prayed in the bathroom. Okay, God, if this is going to happen, I am all in. You show me what you want from me and I will- I will throw myself all into it, one hundredy-twody percent. Help us handle whatever you send our way.
The baby was clearly there, much more detailed than the last one, the one with the heartbeat... but Scott and I know what a heartbeat looks like now, and we didn't see one. Shannon checked every which way and stayed calm-looking when I searched her face, but we knew. I looked at Scott and shook my head- no- it's not there. Shannon said "I'm so sorry" and Scott said "are you sure?" and she said "yes, I'm sorry". She left us to cry.
I was stunned- really, I just couldn't believe it for a while there. I said I was sorry so many times to Scott, not even exactly knowing if I was apologizing or just saying I-am-so-sorry. He told me that his prayers, while I was in the bathroom, were the same as mine. Help us handle what you give us.
After another meeting with the nurse/midwife, we were finally able to head home.
This morning was the D&C, and I feel physically better already, just like last time. I don't know if it's purely psychological but I feel ready to eat meat again, I have very little cramping, and I'm hungry as all get out. I'm groggy from the lovely anesthesia they gave me, but otherwise ready to roll. I have another week of vacation to shake it all off, thanks to my already wonderful new boss/pastor.
There are flowers on the coffee table, one for each nap I took today- a nice thing to wake up to. Maybe I'll take another nap and see if another bunch of flowers appears when I wake up this time!