Recently I heard (yet another) fascinating episode of
RadioLab that has kept me thinking for a couple of weeks now. The episode,
Black Box, featured a story about butterflies, and specifically the
transition of caterpillar-to-butterfly. I am no scientist, and can’t really
explain it well (and definitely not in the fascinating way RL does) but the
part that stuck with me was that someone had written in to the scientist in the
story saying that the findings on butterflies had answered a question he had
about The Afterlife. He said he’d always wondered if, in heaven, he’d remember
his previous life.
That came as a surprise to me. I’d never considered that a
person in the next life would have no memory of their life now. I’ve never even
questioned it- I have a rosy image of people in heaven (as the Church teaches)
watching over us and praying for us. But what if? Would that be a bad thing, to
be in a whole new consciousness? A living person doesn’t remember their time in
the womb- but it doesn’t mean that the time spent there was worthless or negative
in any way- on the contrary, I imagine gestation is an overall pleasant time
for a baby- floating, sleeping, growing to the beat of the mother’s heart. For
whatever reason, it’s not important for a person to remember their
life-before-life. Is it important for us to remember our life-before-death?
Last night I served a vigil for hospice and as I watched my
patient’s breaths grow ever shallower and shallower, I wondered what he was
experiencing. Was he seeing a light? Was he being greeted by his loved ones?
And, I wondered why he would hold on so strongly to this life- laboring to keep
breathing, keep breathing, keep breathing.
I thought about how a youth group kid of mine had once told
me that his religion teacher said that heaven is just staring at the face of
God for eternity. He was upset by this description, asking “what if that’s not
what I want to do??” But I remember Jesus saying in the Gospels that we have to
love God more than our parents, our spouses… I remember Him saying that there
is no marriage in heaven. Maybe this is true, transcendent faith- to only want
to gaze on God’s face.
Still, last night, my patient breathed on for whatever
reason, and as I crawled into bed I couldn’t help but think- what in heaven
could be better than Scott’s toes touching my toes, a cat on my hip, a snoring
dog nearby?
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Margo shortly after my Dad died but before my mom died I was in the play Our Town. Halfway through the play, my mom left the audience, right before we did the graveyard scene. She left, she told me later, Because she did not like the lines my character says about the dead slowly losing interest in the living, slowly forgetting. Her grief was so raw, and watching the grieving Doc Gibbs, stop by my 'grave' and the other characters talking to the newly dead young woman was too much for her. She, would remember every precious moment with my dad did not for a second want to contemplate that perhaps he and she were going through two different experiences. Meanwhile around the same time my friend who belongs to a Pentecostal type church told me that their faith teaches in heaven you do not recognize your own children or spouse or anything. This really disturbed me since I lost tow children through miscarriage and was really looking forward to meeting them one day. I cannot imagine that God who so loves us would end these things that matter so deeply down to our very soul. I imagine heaven to is just beyond our comprehension but it must include not only reunification with our God, but with those we cherished as well.
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